Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. Natalie Merchant wrote the words to the song and I am sure someone else owns her. My chances of a class action lawsuit have probably doubled with this story, but you have to take a risk sometime. :)

I May Know the Word

Austenwoolf@aol.com

<I may know the word
But not say it
I may know the truth but not face it>

<I may hear a sound
A whisper sacred and profound
But turn my head
Indifferent>

I may know the word
but not say it
I may love the fruit
But not taste it
I may know the way
To comfort and to soothe a
A worried face
But fold my hands
Indifferent>

If I'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If I'm on my knees
Grouping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day

But it's all grey here
It's all grey to me

I may know the word
But not say it
This may be the time
But I might waste it
This may be the hour
Something move me
Someone prove me wrong
Before night comes
With indifference

If I'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If I'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day

But it's all grey here
But it's all grey to me

I recognize the walls inside
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
Chasing demons down
Until they fall
In fitful sleep
Enough to keep their strength
Enough to crawl
Into my head
With tangled threads
They riddle me to solve

Again and Again and Again

She thinks I do not love her, not the way I used to. I must be the galaxies best liar if I could make her believe that, and sometimes I'm so good I make myself believe it. Not tonight though, tonight it takes every ounce of my self-control not to blurt out how much I love her, not the friendly love that defines our relationship, but a love that shakes the very core of who I am.

I watch her move through the crowded room of dignitaries and diplomats with the grace of someone who has done it a million times before. She steals the breath from my lungs when she looks at me from across the room, and the emotion that wells up in me is so strong I have to turn my head as if I did not see her. I know I hurt her sometimes, but she never lets me see the hurt. She pushes it away deep inside; behind the wall she has built that keeps her safe from me I have my own wall though a carefully crafted façade of friendship and indifference.

She can sense my tumultuous emotions and I feel her mind gently brush mine as she tries to figure out what is wrong. I hear her whisper the word, a scared word that lies between us like a living thing. I use the things she taught me to block her from my mind, and pretend like I didn't hear. It's all about pretending for us now, only if we pretend can we stay safe.

I continue to move around the room, shaking hands with the Admirals, laughing at their jokes, and pretending that I am hanging on every word they say, all the while I strain to hear the sound of her laughter. I watch her dance with Data and even the Capitan, and I cannot help but wish that I could be so comfortable with her. That I could hold her in my arms again and feel her body next to mine. I remember the first time I felt the warmth of her against me and tasted the sweetness of her mouth. Those are not memories I can relive, at least not now, maybe never.

I am so deep in thought that I do not feel her approach and it startles me when she places her small hand on my arm.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," but she does.

"I was wondering if you wanted to dance."

I should tell her no I know it's not safe, "I'd love to."

We walk to the dance floor, and she slips into my arms with the ease that comes with familiarity. My hand touches her bare back and I cannot help the path my hand trails down her spine. I feel her shiver against me, she smiles a slow seductive smile and puts her head on my chest over my heart. How easy it would be now to say those things I long to say, to open up to her in the way I know she wants me to. This could be the time; this could be the moment when I get over my fear of this tiny woman in my arms.
She is looking at me now with that look she gets when she is trying to figure me out, trying to read the stories of my soul. It would be so easy to bend down and brush my lips against her, so easy. A small part of me prays for release, prays for something to stop the inevitable. My fear at how badly I want her grows stronger. She senses the fear and takes a step back so our bodies are no longer touching. She has heard my silent prayer and answered it. She knows my fear, I see it mirrored in her eyes mixed in with the pain I caused her years ago. It is a pain I could take away if I tried, but I cannot, I am not prepared for the awesome responsibility of loving this woman the way she deserves, and she knows it. She wants more of me then I can give right now, she wants all of me, my very soul, she deserves it.

The song ends and we release each other, the moment passes as quickly as it came, as quickly as the others do.

We each have our own demons to chase before the time is right; we have our own people to become before we face the truth and knock down the walls between us. She told me once that Imzadi was forever, and all I can do is hope she is right.

End