by Carol Sandford
Disclaimer: :::sigh::: yeah, yeah
I watch you moving around the room and it nearly kills me when I get a
glimpse of your eyes; so cold, so distant. Was it so long ago that I saw
love, and passion. When I saw us and a future? Now all I see is past, and
pain. I feel pain when I remember your lips close to mine, whispering to
me, teasing me. I loved hearing your voice, the way you called my name. The
way you said you loved me. Was it that long ago? Oh, God.
I long to touch you, more so now because I never will again. I never can.
You won‘t let me. You don‘t want me to. If I touched you now you would
recoil with horror. Not so long ago I could have touched you everywhere and
you would have wanted more, much more. But not any longer. Now I have to
wrap my arms around myself to stop myself from reaching out to you, just to
touch you, just once, just for a moment.
What I want I can‘t have. What I want is you, but you don‘t want me. Never
feeling your arms around me is enough to bring me to my knees, again and
again. And again. These days its not very often I‘m off them. When I‘m
alone, when I think of you, its where I inevitably end up; on my knees,
crying like a baby, wanting what I need most, your arms around me. But I
end up using my own, its all I have.
I thought we had God on our side. I thought he‘d given us something extra
special, even more special than love. I never figured on him snatching it
away from us, just when we needed it most. Lord, I need it now. Only she
doesn‘t. Instead God left me with something more powerful than love; a
broken heart. I hope yours is broken too. I hope that your heart is hurting
as much as mine. I hope.
Seeing you everyday. Seeing your face, seeing you moving on, seeing you
standing proud and tall, seeing that little tiny tremble showing me that
you‘re hurting as much as I somehow makes me feel a little better. I
tremble too. Everything trembles. I‘ve become an embarrassment. Coherency
seems to have walked out the door around the same time you did.
I try to be brave and I try to be normal, but its hard, its so damned hard.
My friends know you‘ve left me, even my soul knows you‘ve left me, the only
one that doesn‘t seem to want to acknowledge the fact is me. William
Riker. Fool. Where did I go wrong. Why did you let me go wrong?
I had a dream only that dream didn‘t include you, not way back when. When
my dream finally came true I forgot that you were a part of me. I got my
destiny wrong and you didn‘t tell me until it was too late. I wanted a
ship, you wanted me. I still wanted the ship. You let me have it. Why?
Too late, I realised too late my dream had changed along with my destiny.
You were my destiny, Deanna, I wanted you more than I wanted my dream but
you forgot to remind me. You forgot to tell me to search my heart instead
of my dreams. If I had‘ve done, you‘d still be in my arms. We‘d still be
living the fairytale. We‘d still be Imzadi.