His Gift


Rating: PG
Setting: pre-Insurrection
Pairing: T
Reviews: Always??? Pretty, pretty please :)

~His Gift~

Some times I wish I could be more like him. Oh hell, a lot of the
time I wish I could be like him. He doesn't realize how lucky he is,
he doesn't realize how tough it is to be me. It's not that I'm
unhappy or want to whine; it is the way I see it. William Riker is a
wonderful man and god I wish I could be like him.

I've watched him, perhaps `observed' is a better word, in just about
every situation imaginable and I've tried to be more like him, but it
is impossible.

He can walk into a lounge full of people without flinching and he
turns heads wherever he goes; men, women, aliens, they all watched
him. Some watch because he lookes alien to them, some because of his
attractive looks and others because of his command-presence. I have,
over time, belonged to all three categories and now I find myself
moving into another.

I'm jealous, plain and simple; jealous of how he can befriend just
about anyone with a broad grin and a joke. Jealous of how he can so
easily enjoy himself in large crowds and of how people look up to
him. I have yet to meet a single person who doesn't admire him for
one thing or the other, whether they hate him or not.

But that's not the gift I want to have. No, the gift that I want to
have is the one he enjoys as often as he can. Will Riker can do
something that I never succeeded in. He can give himself to passion
for just a night and he does it without regrets. There is no love
involved when he takes a woman to his bed purely for the physicality
of it and I hate him for it. Not because it hurts me, but because I
tried it too, only I failed. Big time.

I am used to live with a thousand other minds within my own; I sense
their emotions minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day
and that's okay, I'm used to it, I can handle it. But for once I'd
like to go to a party without feeling overwhelmed; I'd like to just
make fun, without having to keep my empathic shields erected.

But more than that, I want to be able to enjoy someone's company for
just a few nights; to only feel passion. Because for me, passion is
irrevocable tied with love of some kind. I cannot end a short affair,
or even a one-night stand, without feeling some hurt, regret and
sadness and God I tried. Each time I tried however, my heart was
broken just a little.

Eventually I gave up and turned my attention to Will and time after
time I watched him as he seduced a woman, and time after time I felt
their shared passion and each morning when I would greet him, he
would be relaxed and happy and I hated him for it.

The hate is gone now, but the envy remains. I'm tired of facing the
emptiness of my quarters and I would like nothing more than to loose
myself in nights of mindless passion, without any other emotions
involved. But alas, that is not meant to be. The curse of an empath;
one emotion cannot exist without the other. Passion, desire, love and
hurt and regret will always be intertwined for me. It's always been
that way and it always will be. So I have no option but hoping that
one day someone will make his way into my life and I hope that he,
whoever he is, will not leave, ever again.

Maybe tonight, at the banquet for Regent Cuzar, maybe then that one
person will be there, maybe then I won't be jealous of Will anymore.

Maybe…but then again, maybe not.