I See

An hour worth's work, so please go easy on grammar/spelling. The
comp checked most of it, but mistakes will still be there.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: She's not mine (nor am I her), and neither are the
persons she speaks/thinks to/about. I wouldn't want to own any of
them, but da*n I'd like to be able to leave out any and all
disclaimers.
The lyrics are originally from a Dutch song titled Ik Zie by Xander
de Buisonjé, I translated and adapted them myself (okay, with a tiny
bit of help by Pia –just one word really ;)) into an English poem-
thingy
Setting: Just before Insurrection
Feedback: Oh please? I miss my frequent fix of the stuff *g*

~I See~

Shades of grey were all there was to see. Millions and millions of
shades of grey in her thoughts, in her emotions and in the world
around her.

All she could see were shades of grey, all color had been drained
away by a black hole and she was unable to bring them back, or close
the black hole that continued to absorb more and more of her life.

The sweet damp that usually came from a mug of hot-chocolate had
long since disappeared; the full mug still standing on the table,
forgotten and cooled down. Deanna eyed the brown substance wearily
when she picked up the mug, surprised by its sudden coldness.

Her eyes flicked over the half-lit room, looking for something that
wasn't there. Something that hadn't been there for a long time. Only
she couldn't figure out what was missing.

That missing something was like a growing hole inside her, expanding
little by little each day and she was unable to stop it. In fact,
she hadn't even realized it existed until a week ago, but now it
haunted her every waking and sleeping hour.

Bit by bit, day by day she was withdrawing into herself, obsessed
with the black hole inside of her. Something was missing, something
vital and something unimaginably important.

As if she were fighting a gravitational pull a hundred times bigger
than Earth's Troi hauled herself to her feet and made her way to her
bedroom. Unceremoniously she threw herself on her neatly made bed
and induced a light trance.

Why couldn't she find out what was bothering her? What was inside
that hole that managed to transform her life into a grey mass of
thoughts?

Ever since her internal sensors had made her aware of the hole
expanding in her chest she had lost all interest in what was
happening around her. Her Bridge Watches she spent deep in thoughts
unless there was a pressing matter at hand. And never had she lost
so badly at poker as two days ago.

And the worse thing of it all was that she couldn't even look at her
best friend without having the urge to run as far away as possible.
What was happening to her?!

The thought of him alone; his sparkling blue eyes watching her
whenever he had the chance and the soft lips he hid beneath a furry
beard made her heart flutter and crouch at the same time. What was
it about him lately that upset her so? Their friendship was stronger
than even and it didn't hurt nearly as bad to think about their past
romance.

Their past romance.

Could that be it? Could that be the reason of her melancholy? The
memories of shared passion with the blue-eyed stranger she'd come to
know so well?

Her Imzadi.

Her destiny.

"Oh god"

It would explain everything; her restlessness, the resurfacing
memories, the dreams…the very erotic dreams.

But it couldn't be! They were friends, nothing more. A mutual
decision, a decision in the best interests of both of them. After
all, an onboard relationship would cause conflicts of interests,
fear when one of them was on an Away Mission, fear for the other
when the ship was under attack.

Upon reflection however, she had to admit that she felt fear every
time any of her friends went on an Away Mission and if she was
totally honest with herself, her fear for Riker was always greater
than that for anybody else. Even when she was dating Worf.

Worf.

Other then a few minor conflicts of interest, if even that, they had
experienced no real difficulty in mixing personal and professional
life and in the end, it had been their personal lives that had broke
them apart, not their professional ones.

Her working relation with Will Riker was different though. They
worked much closer together than she and Worf ever had to. The week
they basically lived together in order to do the six-monthly crew-
evaluations was only a fraction of the time their duties forced them
to work closely together.

If they'd embark upon an intimate, personal relationship as well,
wouldn't they grow tired of each other after a while, spending so
much time together? Wouldn't the little things start to annoy him or
her?

"What am I doing to myself?" She questioned the stars. Who was she
fooling? Will Riker didn't want a steady relationship; he just
wanted a warm body to fill his bed, no other strings attached. Sure
his one night stands had become less frequent and yes, sometimes
they lasted longer and yes, sometimes she could even feel the
beginnings of real love stirring in his unique blend of emotions,
but he didn't want to settle down.

Did he?

What if he did? What if he had changed; grown somehow? Deanna had to
admit that she had intentionally avoided probing his mind for the
emotions that lay buried beneath the surface.

But if she did…if she probed him deep enough to find out how he felt
about her, would she see feelings similar to those they had shared
so long ago? Would it feel the same to be wrapped in his arms again?
Would *they* feel the same while in the throws of passion?

It wouldn't.

Or at least she hoped so. Now that she had made herself of how much
she longed for him she also saw how different those feelings were.
How they had changed, transformed into deeper and stronger strands
of thoughts and feelings; woven together to a blanket of love.

It could be so beautiful, if he felt the same, if his feelings had
changed as well. His love nurtured by their longstanding friendship,
deepened by wisdom and fed by time. It would be so wonderful to be
able to strengthen the bond between them, to do away with pretences
of friendship and duty. To just be *them*.

But all these fantasies did was making her more and more aware of
the ache in her heart, the emptiness she felt inside, the desperate
flickering of the Imzadi-bond in her mind. She –needed- his touch,
both physically and mentally. She needed to feel his love to chase
away the emptiness and restlessness inside her.

If only he would take her back; make both of them forget of times
past, of hurt and anger. It would take time, she knew; time to make
the transition from a fake but strong friendship into a true and
deep romance. They would have their disagreements, their fights and
there would even be anger and a touch of hate, but it would be
*them*. Truly and wholly *them*.

He would bring the color back in her life and make her days bright
and interesting again. He would do so much, not realizing the impact
he would have on her but that was okay. She just wanted him back in
her life; his arms around her again, his thoughts tangled with hers,
his passions fuelling her own.

She wanted him—

"Yes Sir?"

<Counselor, Starfleet Command has dispatched us to Beral II where we
will host a party for Regent Cuzar and the Berallian delegation to
celebrate their joining into the Federation in three days. Could you
please see to the arrangements?>

"Of course Sir."

<Thank you Deanna, Picard out> Troi suppressed a sigh and rose to
her feet, no time for personal problems now, they would have to wait
until after the banquet.

"Oh Will. If only I had the courage, if only you felt the same, if
only you could see…"

End