Rated: PG
Codes: R (R/T)
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I only use them
for fun not profit.

Author's notes: This is very much stream of
conciousness and jumps around - a lot. Forgive any
spelling mistakes as I am sure some were made but...
Feedback please! :)

Set: everywhere from begininning to end and beyond...


"The Life and Loves of Deanna Troi"
(from the perspective of one in love)

Worf is paralyzed. An unbelievable, bizarre thing.
Even more unbelievable is what he asked me for today.
Something that I had no choice but to refuse. He
asked me to take his life for him. Some kind of
Klingon ritual, usually only performed by family.
Deanna told me he also asked her to take care of
Alexander when he passes. She was quite distraught
when she came to me, especially once I told her what
he had asked of me. But Worf is strong, I am sure he
will survive this, we are all pulling for him. I only
wonder - if I am suddenly family to him, what is


She is sleeping with him. Deanna and Devionanni Ral.
He taunted me with it this evening, though he merely
confirmed the fact for me. I knew it was going to
happen the second she saw him. Even if she wasn't
sure. The way she squeezed my arm the minute her eyes
met his... an unconscious signal. One of many between
us. There is a lot I don't like about that man, but
if he can make her happy... She is happy, happier
than I've seen her in quite awhile. This one may not
be as fleeting as all the other ones. If she
leaves... well I would only be able to wish her the
best, for I have no claim. But I can't help but hope
for temporary.


She fell asleep in my arms tonight. She was reluctant
to be alone and I ... I was reluctant to let her go.
I wonder if she knows just how much I meant what I
said tonight. I will ALWAYS be here. I realized
today just how much I can't bear to be without her. I
realized it because I was.... even if it was for a
short time. She was gone. The funny thing is where
my mind went in the instance of her "death". That
kiss she gave me in her quarters. I knew she wasn't
in her right mind but for that one instant I reveled
in it. I haven't felt passion like that from her
in... well a very long time. Or maybe I just haven't
allowed myself to. All I know is that I wanted to
live in that moment and the moment she fell asleep
cuddled in my arms - forever. I need to tell her -
soon. If only I knew....


It's a very surreal thing to lose the woman you love
to yourself, or former self... It's still so hard for
me to contemplate. All I know is that he is going to
break her heart again, I can see it coming already.
And it will hurt me just as much as her, I wonder if
she knows that. Maybe there are no such things as
second chances....


Deanna is pregnant. Unbelievable. Even more so since
it was something un conceived of by her. Or at least
not in the normal fashion. It seems so unreal to me.
Which isn't a good thing, b/c I don't know how to help
her through this. She seems so helpless right now.
But so very happy. I never realized how much she
might want... I need to figure out how to be there
for her or I may lose the best friend I have ever


I had to tell her today. I'm in love, truly in love
for the first time since... well since her. So I had
to tell her. It's a thing we do. I don't know if I
have ever felt this free. I was not blind to the look
in her eyes though. She was trying so hard to be
happy for me, and I do believe she is but there was
this something... It kills me that I had to do that
to her. I don't even know if I can make it work with
her any better than with Deanna. But I know I will
have to try.


I came so close to leaving today. Finally getting a
chance to Captain my own ship, what I always wanted
more than anything. I couldn't do it and I am still
not completely sure why. It would be so easy to blame
on my father, taking the Captaincy would be what he
wanted for me after all. But for once in my life I
can't blame him. All I know is that after saying
goodbye... Maybe that's it. I went to say goodbye to
Deanna, only she wouldn't let me. Once she finally
let down her guard she seemed so heartbroken, and it
was truly a physical ache to walk away from her. The
line b/w friends and what could have been is still so
shaky. Until next time Imzadi...


Deanna Troi. After years of not seeing her, she is
suddenly here. My heart stopped when I saw her. She
knew I would be here, but I ... I should have I
suppose, if I had looked closer at the crew roster and
I was going to - tonight. The captain already knows
there is 'something' between us. He saw it
immediately. I still can't quite believe it is real.
She is like a vision from a dream. The moment she
came into view I had a the urge to take her into my
arms, and when she spoke into my mind... I had
forgotten what that felt like. I still don't know
what is going to happen now - we have both changed so
much and yet looking at her... I only wish I knew
what our next step should be...


Married. She is getting married. To Wyatt Miller.
An arrangement she had totally forgotten about until
it was pushed in her face again. Her mother hasn't
changed a bit in that respect. I do wonder what she
thought when she saw me though, and what Deanna has
told her about us serving together. Married. She is
doing so willingly, leaving all she has worked for
behind. My Imzadi is leaving... well not my Imzadi
anymore I suppose...


How do you deal when you lose a part of yourself? I
don't know, I only know that I have to find some way
to help Deanna through this. She is slipping farther
away by the day. I have never seen her this
vulnerable. I know she feels that her strength lies
in her empathic abilities. I have to find a way to
show her that is not all there is to her. She feels
her ties to Betazed falling away with her abilities,
she hasn't said as much but I know... She was
ridiculed as a child for not having full telepathic
abilities, her mother once told me that I am still not
sure completely why. And now that she doesn't have
any... She resigned today. I have to find a way...

Deanna was drunk. She will protest that of course.
Still it was quite a sight. I admire her for being
able to drink so much actually, considering her
limited exposure to 'real' alcohol. She was a great
help to our mission though. I think Cochran really
started to trust her and us. Cochran... he asked if I
was her husband. I have never wanted to say yes to a
question more in my life...


It has finally happened. I am losing her. Somehow I
never thought it could really happen, that she would
always be there when I was finally ready... Worf. He
came to me today to ask for something precious. And
the bad thing is that I can't hate him for it. I had
soo many chances and I let go of every one. He told
me about his visions in the time jumps he did. How
every scenario was slightly different. Except for
Deanna. She was always there, in every time line.
His girlfriend, his wife, the mother of his
children... Data told him in one of his jumps that he
had come to me for permission, and that was what he
was doing now. He had already had one 'date' with her
and knew he wanted more. What could I have said?
Tell him no, and hurt not just him, but Deanna as
well. Or tell him yes, and give them a chance to be
happy even as I break my own heart...


She saved my life today. And she won't let me thank
her. In fact she has avoided me completely. I woke
up in sick-bay to Dr Pulaski. She told me that Deanna
had been with me the entire time. She helped
determine the procedure that would save my life. I
know why she is hiding, I know because I would do the
same. I know with certainty that I came a hair's
breath from dying today. I need her to prove that I
am really still here, just as she needs me to do the
same. I just need to find her...


Reality. It's a funny thing really. How do you know
that what you see and do on a regular basis isn't just
someone's idea of how you should perceive it. It's a
scary thought. I lost that reality. Beverly feels
guilty, as though it was truly her play that caused it
and not our alien 'guest'. She tells me I don't ever
have to star in another one, Deanna tells me I need to
- to prove my control in my own reality. I did a
crazy thing to prove that today, or rather we did. I
still am in awe... I went to her, simply to talk.
She is the only one I trust enough, even if she is a
counselor. Somewhere I must have gotten lost b/c she
kissed me. The first time in ages, truly kissed me.
I kissed her back, and we couldn't stop. I don't know
that we wanted to - either of us. All I know is I
feel complete for the first time in ages. Even if
what happened is nothing more than a beautiful
memory... I told her she is the keeper of my soul,
she laughed, but I truly believe it is true...


I am in awe of her. She was dealt a crushing blow.
That 'creature' used her mind and tried to take away
something so precious. But my wife is a fighter. I
watched her fight back today, using the fear he
produced in her and sending it right back to him. But
I know it hasn't erased the memory. I know because I
see her in the dark of night. When she gets afraid to
let me touch her, if only for a moment. I wish I knew
how to take it away. It kills me to see the pain in
her eyes, even as she fights the demons away. I know
she will make it back to me, it will take time. I
just can't help but wish...


She actually convinced me to shave. Something I have
refused to do for more than 10 years. But considering
the pay back. Another chance. It is so amazing to
me. Not that I have ever stopped loving her but...
She deserves the entire world, my beautiful Betazoid
angel. And I am finally ready to go there with her.
I am only grateful that it is not to late for us. She
has mussed about wasted time. I don't feel it has
been wasted at all. Our friendship has only served to
bound us to each other more tightly. Love isn't
always enough, not the only thing that matters. Now
is our time, now we can have everything...


I have finally determined what the most sensual sight
in the universe is. Deanna Troi eating ice cream. I
could have drowned in her tonight watching her... In
fact I almost think I did... Wow...


Betazed. I don't know how long it has been now since
I have been back. Not that we were there for too long
today but... It felt almost as if time had stopped or
rewound or something and Deanna was -- so beautiful...
But then there were the Ferengi and Lwaxana and...


I have never wanted to rip someone to shreds so much
in my entire life. And not for what he did to me.
For Deanna, though I think she would gladly do the
same. He raped her, mentally; which to my mind is
worse than the physical. And what is worse is that he
used me to do it. She hasn't told me that, she
probably never will but I can see it in her eyes...


I have never been prouder. She made Commander today.
I know she thinks I was hard on her but... I did warn
her and I knew she could do it despite whatever she
may have thought. We will have to celebrate...


Beautiful. Exquisite. Perfect. Adorable. Wonderful.
I can go on and on. She is finally to become my wife
today, and I am complete. After close to 20 years of
laughter, hurt, love, heartaches... we are finally
where we were meant to be.


The end.