Whisper

By: Gwen

Rating: PG
Codes: T,R/T

Disclaimer: It all belongs
to Paramount and Star Trek. I am simply borrowing
for fun not profit.

"Whisper"

Why is it easier to talk to people when you think they
aren't listening?
It feels safer somehow as you can confess without
having to account for what you are confessing; saying
things you could never bring yourself to say when that
person was right there paying attention to you.

I have seen people do this a lot. Some have confessed
to me in counseling sessions that they have done so
and feel guilty about it, as if something is still
left unsettled. My advice to them has always been to
face the problem head on. Talk to the person face to
face. Whispered confessions rarely work b/c what you
are really looking for in those instances is what the
response would be to what you are saying. Even if the
response may suceed in scaring you more than the
confession. Counselor, cousel thyself.

Of course there are many times when a response would
be impossible. For those in comas for instance. This
is a time there is at least one confession to the
unresponsive, usually one of guilt. In these
situations sometimes the confession alone is enough,
even if it would be helpful if one could give the
confessor an absolution of their guilt.

There is another kind of confession though. A far more
dangerous one. One of hidden feelings, longings and
desires. More dangerous for whom is unknown. For the
listener is not always unaware.

Sleep or alcohol are not absolute guarentees. And
being an empath makes them even less so. I am always
aware, albeit vaguely, of shifts in emotion even in
sleep. And especially in conjunction with one person
in particular.

Over the years, Will and I have developed this sort of
pattern. Friends by day, and usually by night. But
whenever one of us has been hurt or in trouble we have
both taken to whispered confessions. Of what we want
from each other, of what we dream. But these are
fleeting moments, born of crisis. Born of the need to
not ever be without each other completly. Our bond
demands this need. And though the sentiment behind
them is real, the meaning of it is never quite clear.
Confessing without thought to commitment.

Though I know of these moments and have heard what is
confessed, I have never answered. It would have
terrified Will had I ever done so, just as it would
have terrified me had he ever answered. He is unaware
that I have ever heard him.

Yet there have been a few moments that I have
desperatly wanted to respond. Two times in particular
that I remember clearly. The first was quite early on.
I had just lost Ian. My precious son, who was with
me such a short time. It is still painful to remember.
I remember though that I had fallen asleep talking to
Will. Back then we were still trying to define our
friendship. The lines still got a bit blurry at times.
I didn't care just then though; I needed someone who
really knew me. I woke up to the feeling of great
distress, his not mine. It was over me though. I
realized that in just the same instant I caught his
fervent whisper, "when we have children..." He never
got past that though. I think it shocked him as much
as me. He said "when". He left soon after. And we have
never discussed it, but i have never forgotten it.

The second was not too long ago. I was a little "out
of sorts", Will would say drunk, but I still maintain
that I wasn't. Zephran Cochran had asked Will if he
was my husband. He told him no, but the emotional
pull of him was so strong just then and he...

"you don't know how much I wanted to say yes to that
question, Dee.
How much I wish that... Someday I will. Soon. You feel
it too don't you? I hope so. I don't know b/c I can't
bring myself to ask - yet. I WILL."

I don't know if he thought me asleep or simply to far
gone to remember but... I know I lay awake a long time
thinking and having to stop myself from going to him.
But it was a whispered confession and I couldn't.

I wonder about these things though, those moments. I
wonder as I lay beside him now after another night of
breathless passion. I wonder b/c he just...

"God, I can't believe this is not a dream sometimes.
Lying here - watching you sleep. You are so beautiful
to me, absolutly breathtaking. What would you say,
Dee, if I woke you at this moment? What would you
say if I asked you now. If I asked you to marry me, to
spend forever, to let me live in this dream of ours
forever?"

Another whispered confession. But so irreistible to
me. What would he do if I answered this time. If I
simply turned to him and whispered back...

"Yes"

The end