It's not as if this is a new experience. I've been this way for quite a long
time now, wallowing in self-pity and 'what-might-have-been'. It makes me wonder
why Deanna hasn't confronted me about it already. Even without her empathy,
she can read me like a book. Maybe it's because she's as comfortable as I am,
wearing this mask of friendship to hide my deeper concerns. Or maybe like me,
she is in denial of her feelings. After all, life is easier to get by without
the complications of years gone by. But how healthy is that? She would know
better. All the same... old wounds are hard to heal with every new opportunity
for them to re-open.
I find it easy to leave these issues dormant as long as I can preoccupy myself with work and keep to myself. Not even my closest friends-- Worf, Geordi or even Data--have mentioned anything regarding my moods as of late. Maybe it's more obvious to me.
I can't blame this solely on her. It's my doing for hurting her in the first place, for abusing her trust and her love for me. When I envisioned the future with her, I didn't think it would be anything like this. To think"for the briefest moment in time"I was seeing myself as her husband, the father of her...our...children. It disappeared so fast. God, I wish that she knew how sorry I am. If I could do anything, I'd tell her I was sorry. It's not even so much that I want her back"it would be enough for her to know that I regret all the things I've done to cause her pain. Could she forgive me, after all this time?
I'm startled suddenly to find her standing next to me. "Will? Is everything
all right?" She places a gentle hand to mine. Meeting her eyes, I smile.
"Yeah, Deanna. I'm fine." We maintain contact for a few moments. I
wonder if something in my eyes is betrayed in my expression, because for the
briefest of seconds, she almost looks as if she might cry. But the wonder passes
as she returns my smile. "You know where to reach me if you need anything."
My attention goes back to my drink, lost in my thoughts. I think on her words.
Even if I could go to her, I'm not so sure that I could reach her now.