Moonlight Musings
by Rae Penner

Yes. I know this moon isn't real. It's just a holodeck recreation. But still, it seems right somehow... All pure and white and glowing... Perfect. This kind of moon always reminds me of... How did it happen? How did I fall for him like this? Again. I fell for him before, I know I did. Just like I'm falling for him now. Or have I fallen for him already? My Imzadi... We stared up at the moons like this one-not, though, wrong planet-every night in that jungle. Just looked at the moons, and talked and talked and talked for hours on end... Until we got distracted again.

I wanted to spend my future with him. Imzadi, always and forever. I didn't want to ever be apart. I couldn't imagine a life without him. I still can't. I still want him to be mine, and I still want to be his. I'm supposed to know everyone else's feelings. I should...I usually can. I can pick up on what's going through a perfect stranger's mind...I advise casual acquaintances on how to run the most important and intimate parts of their lives... That's my job. But still, somehow, I never managed to get my own in order.

Why did I let it go for so long...? Let it all lie stagnant, ignoring so many little gestures, so many unspoken words, so many vague emotions...I could feel what he felt.
I always knew... So why didn't know how I felt? I pretended...lied to him and to myself. I don't even know how it all happened. It could have all been right so many years ago. but we didn't take that path. We didn't want to make that choice. He had his career, and eventually, so did I. We couldn't give those up. But of course the tides of fate decided that it wasn't enough, and pushed us together yet again. Best friends, still Imzadi, but not lovers...not husband and wife. There for each other, but no more.

Something needs to happen... It could all change so quickly now, I know it could. I've seen friends lose children, relatives, best friends, husbands, wives... I've seen the pain of the loss of a wife close up. And I don't want to be seperated still wondering what could have been. Because I know that's what would happen if either of us died right now. What was...what could have been...what should have been... So what will it be?