A R/T and somewhat Thomas shortstory by the infamous
Disclaimer: the concept of star trek and its characters belong to the
pointy mountain people at Paramount and that astounding mind of Gene
Roddenberry. The title and quoted lyrics are from one of my favorite
Stan Rogers songs and are copyright Fogartys Cove music!
I never thought this would happen, I mean how can anyone ever
possibly prepare yourself for something like this. How many people
actually go on a search for themselves and then remarkably, find
themselves but I found myself here. Down on this station, where I so
narrowly escaped eight years prior and then I beam down to see myself
in flesh and blood.
The resistance is what I deny most, the resistance and repentance
of this love that was so strong between us. How we just shuffled off
and left it there so we could do our jobs. But when I saw that
twinkle in her eye that glorious bounding twinkle, I knew She asked
me how I felt, and I should've jumped I should've leapt up and
grabbed her and protected her from him. But I've lost her in my own
youth and I don't think I can handle it. On base I can hide from her,
I can block the sorrow and heartbreak from her and go on with what
I've always done, my job. But him, how can I just sit and watch. For
the past eight years I've still taken care of her, I feel closer to
her then I ever have before but still I am alone on the ledge I
cannot jump for her
The fury that swells beneath my skin is becoming unbearable. It's
turning in massive thumps of anger in the pit of my stomach. It's
becoming unbearable, and for the first time ever in my life, I'm
having trouble doing my job.
"Will?" it's the voice of the captain, he's come to join me at what
has been dubbed `loners corner' in 10 forward. He offers me a glance
and then shares one with the stars.
"Sir" I reply, idle conversation is all I feel capable of at the
moment. I sip the strongest bit of liquid that Guinan could find for
me. While across the room in the booth by the entrance she sits
smiling and laughing with him. She looks my way briefly and lends me
a slight smile. That's all I ever receive from her anymore. No more
dinners, she's never at cards anymore the only time I get to see her
is the odd time she's on the bridge or when crew evaluations whip
around. But even that isn't as enjoyable as before, it's all strictly
"You look like you've lost your soul number one" leave it to the
Captain to nail the problem on the head.
"Do I look that bad?"
I shrug, I don't want to talk about it. I excuse myself and head for
my quarters. As I walk towards the doors I look at her only out the
corner of my eye so I don't look obvious, as the doors close behind
me. I sigh.
"Deck 8" I enter my quarters and look side to side. I'm hopeful in
expecting that maybe she'll be there, that maybe this whole life was
a dream and I really did take the initiative and had married her on
Risa. I pinch myself and find myself still draped in the blatant hum
of the ship. It occurs to me that there really never is any silence
on this ship, there's always the drone of the engines as we search
for the unknown.
I can't believe still that he turned down the Ghandhi so he could be
with her. I can't believe that she's going to go with him in a few
weeks to Risa. I can't believe I can't accept that his ring is on her
finger. I can't understand why
"AH!" I gasp I've gone and punched the wall again and as I wabble
over to the sink my reflection looks as sorrowful as myself. Washing
the blood away, feeling the pain ebb from my knuckles everytime the
water passes through the wound. This reflection shows my tears doing
slaloms down my face then jumping to the sink. They jumped. How come
my tears can take a leap of faith but I cannot.
I sit after duty here on the edge of my bed. It may be small but
there always was room for two. There always was room for two in this
my room, in this my life. My selfish grasping hands searched for the
unknown, a victory won so I could feel complete after abandonment on
my fathers account. But we've met, we've made up, what reason have I
now to continue the search for the unknown. As taunting and as
brilliant as each experience is, sometimes I would rather just focus
on what I've known and what I could have had.
To stand here and know that in a way she is with me, but I cannot
feel her in my arms and I cannot touch her with my mind. She has
closed it off to me and I am unsure as to why. I cannot explain why
she is so much more enlightened by this past present image of me. She
says he is a romantic, that he lights her eyes up in no way she's
ever known. I cannot understand and it angers me to the point of
screaming that all she had to do was tell me. Tell me that she still
was interested, my god, I never stopped being interested. But she
figured it would be easier if we just stay friends. A close intense
friendship, but nothing more. Subtle goodnight kisses, warm hugs and
comfortable smiles. All part of the friendship to her, but I wonder
if she knows that I have a box that I keep all her smiles and hugs
and subtle little kisses in. I wonder if it would make a difference
to tell her. Would she wave me off or welcome me in? Or would she
stand with arms folded and just stare in the horizon of my mind and
just wonder .
"You say well met again Lock-Keeper,
we're laden even deeper than the time before"
The image of the stars flying by calms me. Even though in their
journey through I hesitate to wonder if they are heckling me. They
may have burned out years ago, but their light still lives on. As I
sigh I nod to their message and I turn down my bed and sink into the
covers and the realization that I too, must live on.
"Come with me you say to where the Southern Cross
Rides high upon your shoulder
Come with me you cry each day you tend this lock you're one day older
While your blood grows colder"
They are going to Betazoid. To be wed, much to the delight of her
mother, in a traditional Betazoid wedding. And me, well I'll still be
out here. Long after the vows have been exchanged, I'll probably be
sitting where I am now. Staring up at the windows and out at the sea
of stars drawing images of her in the curtains of space. And my mini
computer will beep and there'll be a message from her and she'll be
beaming and smiling and he'll be with her. They'll say how much they
wanted me to be there and I'll smile insecurely safe by the distance
that she can not read me. She will not be able to hear my
heartstrings plucking out a blues song before they tangle up and
explode. She won't hear that.
My door chimes.
"Who is it?" I inquire.
(Imzadi) it is her echoing in the shadow of my mind.
She enters and stops as soon as the door shuts. I have neglected to
turn my lights back on, I'd rather she not see me right now as I am
sure there are tears remaining on my face. She does not say anything,
instead she wanders over to the left of my bed plunks herself down on
top of the covers. I can see her hair spiraling down around her
shoulders and her eyes are staring straight ahead. Something is wrong.
"Deanna is something the matter?"
It invades my question for several minutes before she finally tosses
over to face me. Out of stupidity of the moment, maybe just because
I've had a pretty heavy hour to myself, maybe out of spite, maybe
just for the hell of it I spew the web of words I'd so longed to say.
"Deanna I love you " after I said it I tucked myself in tight as if
waiting for some final blow to my heart. At least she knows now, she
knows how I feel but does it matter.
"Of course it matters" she replies.
I smile. She's opened her mind back to me, allowing me to see what's
on her mind and I know as of now I need to comfort her yet again as a
friend, but that is alright.
"Will, " she starts and grabs onto my arm after running one hand
down my face.
" you've been crying "
I can't lie to her. I've never been able to.
"I have "
She sits up and lets out a light butterfly sigh, it flies around the
room and through my ears before being captured by the flying stars
outside. I still haven't moved from my laying status it is possible
that I'm asleep and this is yet another torturous dream for me to
have to deal with in the morning.
But she begins to speak again, and I know that this is real.
"I really don't know what to do Will" she says in a silent little
sparrow voice, it is gentle as if it doesn't want to bother the
"Regarding Thomas?" I respond.
It has returned, and we are captured in it. Enlightened by its wisdom
and its ever-alert ears.
"Regarding both of you. And this ship and my life."
"Sounds like you should go see Counselor Troi, she can make anyone
feel better" She laughs slightly at this, humor is our bridge between
silence and pain it always seems to help us get through a moment a
bit easier. I finally kick my legs from the sheets and wander over to
"Hot Chocolate" and I bring it over to her.
"Well, when Counselor Troi isn't around, Chocolate is the best
therapy" she takes it from me and sips from it.
"Indeed Commander, Indeed"
I bring the lights on but only dimly as I look at her face I realize
her eyes have been dancing the same limerick tears that mine have.
"You've been crying."
"I have" she replies
I look at her tiny hands as they grasp the cup and realize that the
ring that she bore yesterday had vacated from her finger.
"Your ring? " I ask
She looks at her hand and shakes her head.
"It made me think, at first I thought, my god this is amazing, I'm so
in love with this man. But it isn't the same love. It's from before,
our youth. I can see in his eyes that he wants to go, explore just
like you did. He denies it, but I can see it."
She pauses for another sip, she swallows slowly and closes her eyes
to intensify the sweet healing power of her drink.
"The more I looked at the ring the more often I would be thrown back
into memories of you, not our youth. You were there when I gave
birth, you were there when I lost my powers. You've always been here
to comfort me and I guess I've neglected to truly acknowledge that."
She holds out her hand to me and I grasp it ever so lightly.
"I know you loved and continue to love me and" she squeezes my hand
tightly putting the hot chocolate on the side table. She turns over
to face me, my heart is racing and I feel quite nervous as I await
her ending words.
" I just wanted to let you know, that you're the one I'm truly in
love with. I've talked with Thomas and we are meeting with the
Ghandhi in a week. He'll be going . But I'm not going anywhere." Her
words end in a choked gasp and I'm sure both of us are unsure as to
whether it came from me or her.
"But that anchor chains a fetter and with it you are tethered to the
With tears streaming rivers down both of our faces I pull her in
close to me and hold her tight as I look up to the stars, I smile.
For I know I'll never let her go.