It's Too Late To Love Me Now

From: mriana 

A Deanna POV- Rated PG

Setting: Farpoint Episode

Its been ten long years. May as well be ten centuries of heartache and disappointment, but here we are again on the Enterprise.

I see you and can't help but have a rush of old feelings flood over me. Feelings of anger and resentment, because you did not keep your promise to meet me on Risa. Feelings of anger because I felt like you had abandon me. I felt so rejected at the time, and then the feelings of rejection turned to nothing more than just anger and resentment.

I could not decide if I hated you at the time or if it really was just anger and hurt feelings. I did not even want to see a picture of you because if I had, I would have taken my anger out on that picture for all I know. I could not bear to listen to songs that reminded me of you, but rather I had preferred songs that helped fuel my anger towards you.

Then I realized the feelings of anger were not going to help me get over you. So, I tried to look upon the positive side of our relationship and what it gave to me. I tried to remember all the things you taught me through our relationship and it all kept coming right back to the pain you caused me. I kept trying to remember the good times we had together on Betazed and the day we became Imzadi, but that did not help take away the negative feelings that had developed over time, because it all came right back to the heartache.

I loved you so much, but those feelings have now changed. I do not love you as I once did and wish the bond would just go away and never return. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to remember anything about you. I want to forget you, yet at the same time I can't forget you. I want to show you just how much you hurt me and then end this thing forever. I don't want to be apart of a non-existent relationship, yet I cannot say good-bye to you either.

At the same time, it does not seem fair to either of us to live in the past and try to hang on to what we once had. What we once had does not exist anymore and we can not get it back. It will never be the same again, because of what has happened between us. What we had is now gone and can never be retrieved again.

So, now I stand here before you and tell you I just want to be friends. I tell you that after what happened between us, that is all we can be and nothing more. Just friends. Am I fooling myself? I don't think I am, but I see in your eyes that you are hurt by my words. I don't know why, because it was you who rejected me ten years ago!

Even so, I don't hate you, but I am not in love with you anymore. Gone is the young woman who was naive. Gone is the woman who was so taken with your Starfleet mannerism and gentlemanly ways.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I can not be anymore than friends with you because you hurt me. The pain was so strong at one time, then it started to slowly get better. I had almost forgotten how much you had hurt me. Until now, that is.

I see you again and you tell me you have missed me. You say that you are sorry for what you did. You say you want to make it up to me, but then add that you don't blame me for feeling as I do after what you did to me. Do you really believe that an apology is going to make up for everything? Well, it can't! How do I know you won't hurt me again? I don't know and I don't want to take that chance again! I can't and I won't!

Then you tell me you want to start over again and try to make amends with me, but I just can't. I can't bare to take a chance on being hurt by you again. The pain was too great the first time to risk being hurt again.

You say because of the bond you feel you need me and don't want to live without me in your life. You say that without me the bond is too painful to bare and it feels like a part of you is missing. Do you really expect me to believe that after all this time, especially after you went back to the great love of your life?

Starfleet. That was all you ever thought about! You loved Starfleet more than you ever did me and trying to become the youngest captain Starfleet ever had was you goal. Not trying to make it with me. No, I was never really your goal. Why should it be when your relationship with Starfleet is so safe and secure for you. I can't compete with Starfleet and I won't! I'd always come second in your life if I agreed to resume the relationship we thought we once had. You'll always love Starfleet more than me.

How can you stand there and tell me that my words are painful to you? I only speak the truth on how I have felt after all this time. Yet you can't take it! I'd be a fool to take a chance on you again, because you have no idea! No idea at all how I feel! You only seem to be thinking about how you feel and how my words affect you! All you can talk about is how much you have hurt all these years due to your actions, but were too afraid to contact me.

I wonder... I wonder what your real goal is? If I'm just another trophy to have at your side in order to prove something or if I am just another conquest out of many for you? I wonder if you ever really and truly loved me.

Do you think that it has not painful for me too? Well, it has been and now it's too late to say that you need me. It's too late to say that you are sorry for what you did. If only I could just break the bond and never look back again, but I can't. It will always be a part of us and it's a shame that we have to live with this heartache.

That is life. Everyone goes through heartache and pain at one time or the other in their lives, but to go back and try to make amends will probably just bring more pain into my life. I won't go back to that again. I cannot take having my heart broken by you again. It almost killed me the first time and I refuse to go through that again!

No, all we can be now is just friends with a special bond and nothing more. There is nothing left of what we once had and all we can do is move forward from here. We cannot go back to what we once were. That part of our life is gone forever.

I feel the need to protect myself from being hurt by you again. So, the most we could ever be is just friends and nothing more. What we had was wonderful, but now it's over and cannot be ever again.

It's too late to say you need me and it's too late to say you love me. You should have said that to me long ago and had shown it by meeting me on Risa, but you didn't. I waited for you a long time on Risa and it hurt so much when I realized that you were not going to go through with your promise. The pain of you abandoning me that way was so great that I cannot take that chance again. I just can't and I won't! I just can't do that! I won't do that! It's just not worth it!

You say you want to make things up to me, but how can you? There is no way anyone can make up for something like that. There is no making up for feelings of mistrust. I cannot trust you anymore when you promised to marry me and then abandon me. Why should I trust you? I see no reason to trust you again.

Yes, it is sad that things have come to this, but they have. I know you are frustrated with me because I keep saying that all we can be is just friends now, but that is all we can be. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know we cannot be anymore than just friends. I can't go back and take a chance of being hurt again.

End