This is a first person piece, a moment in time. It’s written from Deanna’s
are in force.
watch you from the distance, not sure of what I should do. I’m not even sure
that I should be here. But I came, because there has never been anything I
wouldn’t do for you, and when you call, I answer – just as you do for me.
That’s the way it has always been.
look at me now; I can feel your eyes search for mine, and I smile as I return
I move closer and let a kiss fall on your cheek. The contact startles us both, and for a moment it is as if the Universe has come to a standstill. The moment seems frozen in time, and I remember every second I spent with you in the past. It has been a long time now, sometimes it feels like it was another life, and in many ways it was. We both moved on, as much as we will ever be able to. The bond between us will be ever present, we both know that, and now here we are. Seeking out each other again, for comfort and solace.
is nothing to say, and I reach out for your hand instead. It’s cold. I look
into your eyes again, wishing that there was something I could do to make all
this undone. You loved her, and I see the defeat in the depths of your eyes. I
have never felt as helpless as I do right now. There should be something I could
do, something I could say to make it easier. But there isn’t, and so I just
sit there, my eyes falling on the sleeping child in your arms. She’s
beautiful, the picture of innocence, and when she stirs, I see you tighten your
arms around her. The sight brings tears to my eyes, and I look away briefly.
There’s a painful knot in my stomach, and I feel I’m trespassing again. This
is your life, your daughter … not mine. Never mine.
happened, Will?” I ask the question, knowing that you have no answer and that
you have been losing your mind trying to find one.
happened, Deanna.” Your voice is broken and flat, and I hold on to your hand,
waiting. “She just … left.”
---“ I begin but think better of it. You don’t need more unanswered
questions. I know that you asked me to come, hoping that I could give you some
answers, help you sort through it all. But how can I, when I don’t understand
hadn’t been feeling well,” you say suddenly. “Ever sense Melinda was born
… I --- should have been able to help her, Deanna. I should have seen it. Why
didn’t I see it?”
can’t blame yourself,” I try, but you give me a dark look. “Will, this
isn’t your fault. You know it isn’t.”
who’s is it?”
it isn’t anyone’s fault.” I can’t believe I said that, but it is the
truth. Sometimes things just happen, even unimaginable things like this.
my wife, and I had no idea she was in so much pain. What the hell does that say
about me?” The guilt radiates from you, rivaled only by the love for your
daughter when your lips touch her hair.
know how it must hurt.” I say. But I don’t, not really. When I lost you it
was never like this. I knew the pain would lessen with time. I knew you would be
out there, and that I would see you again. This isn’t like that at all. “But
she might still …” I don’t finish the sentence, because I have no idea
what to say. I don’t know what will happen, and I can’t pretend, not with
you. You know me too well for that, even now.
won’t.” There’s a clarity in your voice that I wish wasn’t there.
“She’s not coming back, Deanna.” You sigh, and I feel your eyes burning
into mine. “I need you.” I gasp; you don’t often ask for help, and it has
been a long, long time since you asked me. “I need your help.
I don’t know what to say to Melinda, how to explain to her that …”
will find a way,” I promise, not knowing how but certain that I will not let
you down. We will work it out, and you will get through this.
you for being here.” you say, and I want to cry, but I don’t. I doubt that I
even could. The power of your emotions overwhelms me, and for a moment I say
nothing. What is there to say?
I finally manage. It seems so insufficient, but I see a shadow of a smile on
your lips. It is such a relief, and I return it.
will be all right, won’t it?” you ask. I don’t know how to answer that.
But I want it to be all right. I want you to smile again. You’re holding on
tighter to my hand now. “With time?”
I say. “I think it will.”
again time is suspended, and when you look at me all I want to do is soothe the
pain edged in your features. I only hope that you will let me.