PG-13 to be safe
are in force.
note: The story has not been edited so please overlook any mistakes. I
researched PPD because I wanted to write a darker piece. But as it turned out it
is not so sad, after all. All right: does anyone remember the series I wrote –
“Being There”? I was encouraged to write Will’s wife Cecily’s POV. Here
it is. I hope you enjoy.
She is smiling. My little girl is smiling, and I feel my heart swell with love. I know Will probably think I do not love her. But that is not true, not at all. I have never loved anyone more than I love the dark-haired baby resting just a few meters away. It is the closest I have been to the both of them in months. I miss them so much, both of them. He is an incredible man, and I hope he will forgive me someday. I hope he will understand that I did what I had to do. I walk closer, and the woman at his side turns around to face me. She is a very beautiful woman, and even though I have never met her before, I know who she is: Deanna Troi.
“Will,” she whispers. “Let me take Melinda inside.” He turns to her as she takes my daughter from her father and walks inside the house I used to call ‘home.’ For a second I wonder if she has taken my place in his bed? But I stop myself. Thoughts like those are not helping.
His shock is apparent, and I do not blame him. Six months is a long time, but I could not come back sooner. I was not ready. I do not know if I am now, either, but I had to see them. I had to explain to Will. I owe him as much, he and Melinda both.
“I’m sorry,” I say, “I never meant to … I’m sorry.”
“You never meant to what?” His anger flares. “Leave? Rob Melinda of her mother’s love? What exactly is it that you didn’t mean to do?” He sighs, and I see it now. Fatigue is edged in his features. He seems utterly exhausted. I want to reach out to him, but of course I do not. “I loved you.”
Loved. Past tense. I feel my heart breaking. But I know I only have myself to blame. I sigh inaudibly. He speaks again.
“I was afraid,” I tell him, “to hurt her. I wasn’t ready, Will.”
“But you were happy about the pregnancy, I know you were. What happened?” He looks away from me shortly, and I watch him swallow. He is truly hurting, still. But why would he not be? He woke up to find his wife, the mother of his child, gone – with no explanation.
“I know you probably don’t believe me, Will, but I left for Melinda’s sake. I had to, if I wanted to keep her safe.” I take a deep breath. This is so hard; much harder than I thought it would be. “I know you have been looking for me, and I wanted to …” I do not finish the sentence, instead I settle for. “I’m better now. Much better.”
“What did I do?” he asks. “I need to know what I did wrong.”
“Nothing.” I make sure he looks at me as I go on. “Will, this is absolutely not your fault, not at all. That’s what I came here to say. I was sick. I still am, but I’m getting better every day. I wanted you to know that, to tell you that you don’t have to worry about me.”
“Well, I do,” he says. “You’re her mother. She needs you.”
“I need her, too,” I whisper. “I need her so much. I love her more than anything in this Universe. I always will, but I have to stay away, at least for a while longer. Please understand, Will.”
“She misses you,” he says, and the tears threaten to spill. I want to hold my baby so bad. I look at him, the man I love. There is so much I want to say to him, but I cannot find the words. I hope he knows how much he means to me. “I miss you.”
“Oh, Will.” I reach out and touch his face, and he actually pulls me closer. Maybe it is just an instinctual reaction, but maybe, just maybe, he still cares for me. I relax into him and decide it does not matter what the reason is. What is important is that I feel safe again. For the first time since before Melinda was born, I feel confident that it will all work out for the best.
“I love you,” I sigh against his chest. “You have to know that.”
“I do know,” he says, and he sounds sincere. I look into his eyes and know that he is honest. “Lily,” he whispers, “why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you say something, anything? I would have done whatever you wanted me to!”
“I couldn’t talk to you,” I say, withdrawing from him a little. “I didn’t know what to tell you. I didn’t know what was wrong, and I’m still trying to understand.”
“But you’re getting medical attention?” He lets go of me gently, and I give him a reassuring nod.
“Yes, I am.”
he says, smiling softly. “That’s good.” For
a minute he looks at me in that intense way I remember from so long ago. I know
six months is not really that long, but it feels like it is. It feels like
forever. I smile. I was never one to be sentimental, but with Will I become
someone else, another person entirely. It has always been like that, and it
hurts to admit that I like that person better, especially because I can never
have it back now. He is not mine, not anymore. I sigh, and he hears it.
“Lily,” he smiles, and I realize how much I have missed that. He is the only
one who has ever called me by that name, and I like it. I love it.
I lean into him, and he encircles me protectively in his embrace. “Let me see
is such love in his voice, and I find myself looking to the front of the house.
Deanna is there, waiting, and I cannot help thinking that no matter how much he
loves her, she will never have this. This is mine. No matter how many children
they may have in the future, Melinda is his first – his angel, and she is here
because of how much Will loved me, because of how much we loved each other. But
the thought evaporates quickly. It subsides in favor of a strange sense of
gratitude. He loves her, and I know she feels the same. I can see it in her
eyes, and she has been here for him when I could not be. The admission takes all
my strength, but I know that it is true: Deanna Troi saved my family. It is
because of her that my daughter is smiling.
turns to her, but I register that his arm is still around my shoulder. It feels
so good. “She’s falling asleep.” He nods and guides me through the door
into the nursery. I am sure she has decorated in here, and it is beautiful. I
freeze as I see the little person in the bed. She is so grown up already. I
missed so much, and I feel the tears burn on me cheeks. I know I did what I did
for the right reasons, but that does not change the fact that I missed the first
many months of my daughter’s life.
I whisper, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” I walk closer and see her
holding on to the teddy bear I bought for her a few weeks before … before I
left. I look up at Will.
promised myself I would not let her forget you,” he says, and if I ever
doubted why I married him, here is my answer.
is so different in this house than he is when he gets aboard a star ship. I
smile a little, remembering. I tried to keep him planet side, but it was not
until the last months of my pregnancy that he agreed to take the assignment at
Star Fleet Headquarters. “She’s happy,” he promised me. “Deanna has been
…” He cuts himself off, and I nod. It hurts so much, but I know he is right.
glad,” I say, and I am. “Will, do you think I could be alone with her for a
for a moment,” I ask, “please.”
He smiles. “We’ll be right outside.”
watch them go and approach my daughter’s bed. Her eyes are closed in a
peaceful sleep, and I kneel beside her. Will is right. She is an angel, my
beautiful angel. I kiss her softly, inhaling the incredible smell of her soft
skin. I still cannot believe I helped create this magnificent being. It is
humbling beyond all else, and as I whisper to her sleeping form how much I love
her, I pledge to her and to myself that I will get better. I have to beat the
depression. I have to be here for my daughter, no matter what. Her happiness is
best motivation I will ever have.
promise I’ll be back,” I whisper, her little hand closing around my finger
as she moves in her sleep. “Mommy will be back really soon.”
tear myself away from her and leave the nursery, fighting the tears. In the
living room I find Will sitting on the couch. Deanna is snuggled up against him,
resting. She is sitting exactly the way I used to, and Will is holding her
close. None of them is aware of my presence, and I observe them silently. The
sight is tearing me apart. He has opened up his heart to her again, and if they
are not already lovers, it is clearly only a matter of time. The truth is that
it has always only been a matter of time. Despite what Will may have thought at
the time, I always knew about Deanna’s place in his life and heart. I did not
like it, but I knew, and I accepted it, because I loved him, and because, on
some level, I hoped I could make him forget her. Now I know that that would
never have happened. She is a part of him, in some inexplicable way they are one
and the same. I used to think that Will could not even explain why and how
himself, and I think I was right, but as I look at him now I realize that he is
longer trying to. Now he just lets it embrace him. I know I should resent it,
and a part of me does. The other part is happy for him, and, eventually, this is
the part that wins.
raises and comes over to me. There is a watchful look in his eyes. I put a hand
to his cheek, and he kisses my palm softly. I close my eyes.
love her,” he says, and I nod. We both know he is not talking about Melinda.
“I can’t fight it anymore,” he tries to explain, but I put two fingers to
his lips, silencing him. I do not want him to say it. He smiles. “Come back
soon,” he whispers. I kiss him softly, unable to resist the temptation. He
does not push me away.
that what you really want?”
need to be sure. I have to hear him say it.
course. You’re her mother. She loves you.”
we … you and I … are we …” I am rambling, and I know it. He only smiles.
are.” He kisses me ever so softly. “Now I know you’re getting better,”
he chuckles. I miss that, too, and now I know that he is happy. I smile as well,
and I am suddenly glad that I managed to get here. I needed to be near him
back to half sentences …” He trails off. “I remember that.”
would,” I say.
I like that I have that effect on you.” He is still smiling. He looks so much
better already. Maybe I was not the only one who needed this? The thought makes
me feel a little better. I know it should not, but it does.
return the smile. “I should go, Will. Tell Deanna …” I swallow. “Tell
her thank you.”
will,” he says, and I look back only once as I exit the house. I have not
smiled like this in a long time. It feels really good.