I look up as I hear you call my name, surprised and a little taken back to
see you here. This is my sanctuary - the place I come to escape the chaos
of the outside world, of my life. This is where I come to escape you.
And now you're here.
"Will." I smile and turn away from the view port." Hi. You're up late."
"As are you," you point out, and I nod in concession. "What
are you doing
out here? There is just a hint of concern in your voice. Or maybe Im
just imagining it there.
"I come here sometimes, at night. The silence is calming." I have
why I'm telling you this, but I guess I might as well. Youll keep
prodding until I do. "I relax out here."
"Yes," you agree, sitting down next to me. "So do I. Have you
"Three hours, I think. I don't really care, to be honest." I smile
suddenly sure that you will understand. "This is my sanctuary, you know?
Time doesn't really matter here. Well, at least not at this time of
night." I look at you. "Everyone else turned in long ago "
"That they did," you smile, and there it is again. That special silence.
The kind that speaks volumes.
Will. I smile, too, sensing your worry. Im fine. Just
all. You can stop worrying about me.
No, Deanna, you say, thats one thing Ill never
be able to. You get
up slowly, as if youre afraid to get too close, afraid that I will see
what youre so intent on hiding. Have we really been apart for so long
that you dont realize that I already know, that you cant run from this,
"You need to take care of yourself, too," I mumble, instead of voicing
thoughts. I will tell you, at some point. But this isnt the time, and it
isnt the right place, either. I sigh, unable to hold it back as I wonder
if it ever will be again. "You look tired. Very tired. Why dont you start
"I could ask you the same thing." You hold my gaze for a second.
like you could sleep for days "
"Thats the problem," I say, "I cant sleep.
"Neither can I," you say, I miss you beside me. I miss touching
miss kissing you, Deanna. You look away, and I gasp in surprise at your
next words. I shouldnt be this surprised, I know, but I am. I miss
feeling you move with me you know that. Don't tell me you dont. The
tension between us is tangible."
"I know," I whisper and rise from the chair. But it always has been.
You smile, and I reach out to you, finally able to lower my defences. A
few steps forward and I am close enough to touch you, to feel the stubble
on your cheek.
Then why are we here? you ask, looking at me, piercing me with
mesmerizing blue eyes, and I surrender slowly.
"I have wanted to do this for so long
I step back, suddenly
the power of my own reaction. "You should probably go."
"Do you want me to?"
"What I want doesn't really matter, does it? There are reasons we are
here, Will, even if right now wed both like to forget them.
Uh-huh. You nod, but then you reach out for me again. Listen
you ask, just for a moment. I concede silently, and you go on slowly.
Im done running, Deanna, from this and from you. You breathe deeply,
and I cant remember the last time you were so passionate. Of course its
been quite a while since weve talked at all. "If I'm running anywhere,
it's towards you," you say, and I cannot believe what I'm hearing. It's so
unexpected at this point. "But if you want me to go, I will."
"I want you," I say, letting my heart decide for the first time in
seems forever. "So much. Stay. Don't go."
"Come with me," you ask, softly, and then a smile graces your lips
suddenly "I have chocolate, if youre interested?
You know I am, I smile, too, aching to kiss you. Its been
so long. I
miss you, too, very much. I breathe deeply. Your lips brush over my cheek,
and I hold my breath when you bring me closer.
"I've waited for this moment, too. There is no rush. I'm not running or
regretting anything. Not now, not again."
Silence descends as none of us seem to have the words to fill it. Then you
smile, and I lean into you. It feels so good. "I love it when you smile.
It changes you so much."
"You too." You look down at me. "You should do more of it."
I let my
fingers touch your lips briefly, empowered by hearing you suck in your
breath. I half expect you to turn and walk away, to break whatever spell
it is that weve woven. But you dont. "Yes," you nod, more serious than I
thought you'd be. The words are soft, though, and I melt a little. The
kiss is soft at first, but soon it becomes more passionate, hungrier, and
I can't help but cling to you.
"Very nice," I smile again. It feels good. But not as good as kissing
Nothing ever felt as good as that.
"It was," you agree and then add, almost as an afterthought. You
we can't go back now."
"I don't want to go back," I whisper. I wasnt the one
I sigh, shaking
my head. You know I dont. I need you."
"You don't say that often, you point out, and I can sense your surprise.
I wonder how you cannot know.
"No," I admit. "But if I cant say it to you "
"I'm here," you promise, kissing me softly, healingly. "You
"I want you, too," you say, "I need you , too."
"You need me?" I can't not look at you. This isn't what I had expected.
knew you want me, but need is something else. It's more. It's dangerous.
And you never used that word before. If you did, then I dont remember.
"In what way?" I ask, not able to keep from voicing my thoughts.
"In many ways." You look away, and I apologize silently. Too many
Words get in the way. Words ruin. You're uncertain, and I move away a
If anyone would have passed us by, they wouldnt have seen a couple who
know each other better than anyone, they wouldnt have seen a man and a
woman bond together by a love that surpasses everything and anything. All
the would have seen were two lost people trying to find their way back,
both desperately wanting to hold on to each other.
"We can't do this," I whisper, "we shouldn't do this. There
are still so
many things we have to --- I love you, Will, but I cant do this now."
"You just said You look at me seriously. What is it?
"Need," I tell you. "Need is something else. Need is "
"You're afraid I'll change my mind again. I just said I wouldnt,
You step away and let go of me, and I feel strangely robbed.
I dont know if I can I dont know if I trust that. I need time.
"All right," you simply say, without protest, and I want to scream. "I'll
see you later. Ill see you later.
"Mm." I look into your eyes and want nothing more than to drown in
I watch as you walk away from me. Then I make my way back to my quarters.
It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do it is only because
I'm totally exhausted. Everything I've ever wanted was given to me only to
be taken away again, and I wonder if I will ever be able to look at you
again. I wonder if the memory of your words, and the way it feels when you
kiss me will ever leave me in peace. I doubt it.
- the end - ?