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"Making the Grade"
QDestinyy@aol.com
Chapter (1/1)
POST INSURRECTION
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"I remember a song."

Deanna Troi gazed at the ceiling as though it would set her spirit free; set
something of her life into motion, and yet she hadn't the slightest idea
where that would take her.

"I've reached the stars now, and still I dream of him."

"And you're troubled."

She cast her companion a wry glance. "I'm troubled by the fact that it's
impossible to speak with another Counselor without picking apart the nuance."

Her companion shrugged. "I am what I am, and you must also understand that
you are here with me today for a purpose."

"I would have said the same thing." Troi nodded.

"And would have expected which answer in return?"

"That's clever. I don't know if I'd have said _that_."

"You're not talking to yourself, Deanna. You are speaking with me.
Voluntarily, I might add. When I decided to visit you on board the
Enterprise, I hadn't chosen to come here in a professional capacity." The
older woman's matter-of-fact voice belied a carefully practiced patience.

"I know." Troi whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Be forthcoming."

"Is that the answer?" The Counselor of the U.S.S. Enterprise laughed softly.

"It has been my experience that there are no definitive answers. Only
further questioning through which we expose ourselves to constant
introspection. It is the way of all sentient life forms. Look to the means
by which we pursue the truths we seek, and we will find that which sets us
apart; defines our existence, if you wish."

"Two philosophers, trapped in a closet for all eternity. Would our sanity
survive?" Deanna leaned forward, tucking her legs beneath her chair and
pressing her palms against both knees simultaneously. She stood.

"Define sanity." The other woman didn't miss a beat.

Troi laughed. "Good point."

"Would you prefer we did this another day?"

"No. B'Nell, it's difficult for me to express what I need to. All the more
frustrating because I *am* a professional Counselor. I know where the
problem lays and how to fix it. I just-- can't."

"Alone. You cannot fix it alone. There is a difference." An arched eyebrow
greeted Troi's skeptical gaze.

"Alone." Deanna finally conceded, moving to stand in the portal of an
enormous window through which the stars were clearly visible. "Where should
I begin?"

B'Nell pursed her lips in thought. "Perhaps we might consider the time
frame. How long have you been having these dreams?"

"A while now. A few weeks, perhaps a month."

"And he exists in all of them?"

Deanna nodded slowly. "Most."

"Did you not find closure?" The older woman tossed out the term, knowing her
colleague would pick up on it.

The empath switched her stance, coming about until she found the older
woman's inscrutable gaze upon her. "You know as well as I, there is no such
thing as closure. Not in this instance."

"I see." Her only reply.

Deanna frowned. "Yes, you do. I know you do. But what is there to say?
I've gone over and over it inside my mind, and yet I find myself no closer to
an answer than I ever have been." She sounded resigned.

"Your mind searches for answers. It searches for the most logical means of
understanding. Your heart on the other hand -- it finds its truths far more
simply. What about your heart, right now, Deanna?"

"My mind and my heart ... disagree, as ever." Troi pursed her lips.

"Then what is on that piece of paper?" B'Nell inclined her head.

Deanna shrugged. "I told you. I remembered a song."

"From him?"

The empath shook her head. "From when I was a little girl. From my father,
actually. It's a children's song. A silly children's song that plays itself
over and over again inside my head. I wake up at night sometimes and there
it is. Maybe I've finally lost it." Troi mumbled.

"Will you share it?"

"With you, right now?" Troi regarded her colleague.

"If not with him, then with someone."

Deanna sighed. She grew silent. For a time, she said absolutely nothing,
and neither did B'Nell.

"Far away long ago, glowing dim as an ember... Things my heart, used to know.
Things it yearns to remember..." Her voice was soft and somewhat
self-conscious as she trailed off.

"It reminds you."

"Of my father?" Deanna tipped her head.

B'Nell merely shrugged. "Of a time when you allowed yourself to fall in
love. When you weren't so afraid of being hurt."

"And so rather than think about what's really bothering me," Troi continued,
very professionally, almost sarcastically. "I've affected some kind of
transference onto this song which keeps me awake every night, and images of
my past which refuse to allow me to move on the way he and I have agreed we
must..?"

The older woman inclined her head. "You already said that you know where
they problem lays."

Deanna swallowed. "We're Imzadi.." She whispered.

"I know."

"I know that you *know*." Troi shook her head, annoyed. "I wasn't informing
you, I was verbalizing. I was verbalizing because there IS NO ANSWER."

"There is always an answer. Though it usually involves a choice."

Deanna tossed her colleague a helpless, incredulous look.

"I'm doomed." She moaned softly.

"Not doomed."

"Then damned, maybe." With a deep sigh, Troi reached behind her and shook
out her hair.

"Why did you ask to see me this way?"

"Because..." Deanna frowned. "I decided I was enough of a professional to
acknowledge when I needed to talk to someone other than my mirror every
night."

"A reflection is what you've asked of me, none the less. Why do this at
all?" B'Nell pressed.

"I'm a Counselor.." She answered tersely.

"So what?"

"So... it was beginning to affect my work."

"The dreams?"

"No."

"The song?"

"No."

"Don't be vague, Deanna."

"Then don't be coy with your questions! Don't ask me things which you
already know the answers to in order to force me to 'verbalize'. You and I
both know what you're driving at. We both ask the same damned things on a
daily basis." Troi rounded on B'Nell.

"I will not counsel another counselor, Deanna. You came to me for a reason.
Now I think it's time you lose the day job, and then perhaps we might speak."

The two held eye contact. Finally, Troi dropped her head. "You're right.
I'm sorry."

"Have you told him?" B'Nell went on as though they had never been
interrupted.

"He knows.." The empath whispered.

"But have you told him?"

Deanna raised her gaze.

"Not for a long time." She finally admitted.

"Why not?"

"Circumstances. Decisions. Careers. My life, his life, the Enterprise ..
the Universe.. Take your pick." She offered her colleague a wry smile.

"Listen to what you just told me, Counselor Troi."

Deanna tipped her head. "I thought you just asked me to check my 'day job'
at the door.."

"Circumstances. Decisions. Careers. My life, his life, the Enterprise ..
the Universe.. Take your pick." B'Nell echoed.

"Gods.. that is pretty pathetic, isn't it?" Troi found that she could only
shrug.

"You want him back in your life." The other woman continued.

For a time, Deanna merely narrowed her eyes and regarded her colleague
thoughtfully.

"I want to be a part of his life." She finally sighed.

"You already are a part of his life."

"Which is why we've agreed to keep things this way." Troi nodded.

"But you're miserable. Both of you.."

"I don't know how he feels.."

"You're an empath, Deanna. You know how he feels." B'Nell countered.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant."

Troi scowled. "Then why ?"

"Deanna, do you know why I gave you a B on your second year thesis instead of
an A?" The older woman sat forward in her chair.

For the briefest of moments a flash of anger and resentment crossed the young
empath's features. But then it was gone. Her shoulders dropped.

"You were too analytical." B'Nell went on, having regarded her colleague's
posture. "Too much going on up here.." She tapped the side of her head.
"And not enough going on in here.." She tapped her chest. "You knew all the
right answers to every one of the questions you posed, but you listened to
your head 100% of the time. You have a wonderful heart in there, when you
allow yourself to hear what it's telling you. The least you can do, if you
refuse to act on it, would be to listen... Just as you would listen to any
of your patients, just as you might extend your empathy to them, you must
find a way to do so for yourself."

For long moments, there was silence between them.

"We had an argument, last week." Deanna finally spoke.

"And?"

"And.." Troi sighed. "We both said some things which placed a strain on our
friendship."

"Veritas vos liberabit."

"The truth will set you free?" Troi translated.

"When we argue, we often speak of those things which we would otherwise keep
quiet about."

"I'm aware of that." Deanna responded. "That is the problem. We'd decided
to be together again. But that was before we left the Briar Patch..."

"And now that you've left that portion of space, you no longer feel the same
way.."

"No. No I do feel..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "It's Will who
doesn't feel the same way.."

"He's told you this?" B'Nell pressed.

"Not precisely."

"You're assuming, then?" Troi's colleague inclined her head in a knowing
manner.

For a time, Deanna's expression seemed conflicted. "I'm being realistic."

"You're afraid of being hurt again." B'Nell corrected.

"A little, yes." Troi responded without hesitation.

"Don't you think he is too?"

"I wasn't the one who stood him up on our wedding day.." She tossed back,
almost bitterly.

"Ah. So the truth is closer than we'd thought." The sage words of her
colleague caused Deanna to exhale in frustration.

"Maybe.. a little." She conceded.

"So let's put this into perspective shall we?" B'Nell regarded Deanna with
wise eyes. "You are in love with a man. You've been in love with him for
over two decades. Shared an on-again, off- again romance. Recently you'd
both decided you wanted to try commitment again, this time for good. Only
now you're finding that neither one of you is really any less confused about
how you're going to keep your promises to each other, even though you would
rather not imagine being apart. Does that about sum it up?" She sat forward.

Deanna began to nod, slowly. "He asked to meet me, tonight, in the
holodeck. But I'm not sure I want to go."

"Not sure you want to? Or not sure you'll be able to hold onto the safety of
your anger if you did go?" The older woman smiled.

"He accused me of being the reason we were apart for all these years!" Troi
rounded on her colleague. "He practically proclaimed that it was my fault
and my doing entirely!"

"In your argument..." B'Nell added.

"Yes in our argument. We were having a wonderful evening, but then we
started talking and it just went...all the way downhill from there." With a
rueful sigh, Deanna sank down into a chair.

"So your point of view is that it was his fault?"

"It was..." Troi began angrily, but then trailed off into a decidedly calmer
tone. "...a combination of factors."

"Most of which had to do with him?"

"His career." Deanna nodded. "It was always his damned career. He had this
dream of being Captain by the time he was thirty-five, it didn't leave a lot
of room for anything else.."

"I see." B'Nell nodded. "And how old is he now?"

Deanna turned her head and regarded her colleague thoughtfully. She said
nothing.

"I take that to mean he did not make Captain by the time he was thirty-five.
Why do you suppose that was?" The older woman continued. "Starfleet never
offered him a commission?"

"Several." Troi whispered, finally.

"Before he turned thirty-five?"

The empath inclined her head minutely.

"And he refused all of them. According to you, his one and only driving
force in life has been his career, the culmination of which would be the
attainment of a captaincy aboard a starship. And yet he's turned down
promotion after promotion, well past his thirty-fifth birthday. Tell me,
Counselor Troi. In your official capacity, only for a moment: What do you
feel a decorated officer's motivation might be to repeatedly refuse a
commission like that?"

Deanna stared at her colleague unblinking. She opened her mouth as though
to speak but then shut it promptly and exhaled.

B'Nell nodded thoughtfully. "For you, Deanna, let's do this the analytical
way. We have an officer who has spent well over a decade in the same rank,
on the same ship. He has accused another crew member, one who knows a great
deal about psychology in fact, of being the primary 'reason' for his lack of
romantic attachment at present. While not wholly accurate, the implication
is that one -- or both -- of these officers has indeed been the cause of
their own unhappy circumstance. Would you like an A on this paper Counselor
Troi, or would you settle for another B?" The older woman pinned her junior
with a direct gaze.

Held captive by her former teacher's gaze, Deanna Troi found herself
beginning to tremble.

"Sometimes, I feel as though I'm listening to my heart *too often*." She
began.

"But you analyze every emotion. You break it apart and put it back together
again. You're so used to having to filter the emotions of other people that
you refuse yourself even the simplest wonder. Deanna, you'll never be happy
unless you can find a way to allow yourself to feel without the filter."

"Then it *was* my fault." The empath sighed sadly.

"No." B'Nell shook her head. "You were right the first time. It was a
combination of factors. But you were not blameless, either."

"I love him." She whispered, looking up.

"Then tell him." The older woman placed her hand on Troi's. "It doesn't
get any easier than that. You were my best student back on Betazed. Now let
yourself be human for while. Your feelings are allowed to be confusing.
They're allowed to scare you, and they're allowed to make you happy.
Everything has its place. Even your heritage."

With a deep sigh, Counselor Troi began to nod.

"I think.." She began. "That there's someone I have to meet on the
holodeck. Thank you, B'Nell. You were always wiser than I.."

"Not wiser. Older. It's not always an advantage, but it has it's moments."
With a smile of encouragement, Troi's older colleague inclined her head.

* * *

When she walked through the archway onto the Holodeck, Troi froze where she
stood. It wasn't every day that a person stepped from the reality of their
adult lives directly into one of the most sacred, special places of their
youth.

Yet here she was, standing in the quaint and beautiful little garden in which
she'd spent so many restless nights as a teenager. How had he known about
this? Her mind worked quickly, trying to imagine a moment in which she might
have told him something of the place... but she could think of nothing.

It was night time on Betazed, and the life sustaining moon of her home world
shone like a diamond in the heavens, bathing the landscape in a surreal,
ethereal glow.

Though it was otherwise dark, Troi could map out every inch of the garden in
her mind. So familiar had she been with it's layout and design, that just
the sight of it this way had brought back memories she'd been certain she
would never think of again.

"You look incredible..." She heard his appreciative whisper from only a few
feet away.

When he emerged from somewhere farther inside, she felt her throat constrict
with emotion. She had thought about bringing him here, twice, three times
while he'd been stationed on Betazed.... after they'd become lovers.

But it was a sacred place for her. A place of solitude and quiet
contemplation. She'd tended this hidden little garden outside of her
mother's great estate all on her own. Every flower, every shrub and colorful
fruit tree had been planted by her own hand over the many years of her youth,
and this place; this sanctuary had been her soul's solace in times when she
felt lost or alone... or sorrowful, the way she had begun to feel tonight.

In the end, she'd never had the chance to show it to him. She'd never told
him what it represented for her; how much of her innermost self she had been
reticent about sharing with anyone. How she had hidden behind a wall so well
constructed in her youth that he had not been the only person to feel
frustrated at it's heights. His had been the only spirit to finally figure
out the truth: That it wasn't *over* the wall he needed to climb. It was
dead on directly through it; as though it weren't there at all.

Somehow, he'd known. But then again, he was Imzadi and his soul, perhaps,
had recognized the trick -- played many times before in countless other
lifetimes.

Despite her feelings for him, Deanna had never found the courage to admit to
him that she was not so confident back then. Not so sure of herself and of
what she wanted. That she found it difficult to trust any man who might
find a way into her heart and leave her stranded in some desolate place, the
way her father had when he died.

The way Will himself had too... in a very different way.

She'd never had the courage to share any of this with him then. So how was
it now... that had he known?.

"The Jewel of the Outer Crown'.." His gentle voice intruded on her
thoughts. Using a term for her planet which she hadn't heard in a very long
time.

But it was true. Tiny crystals of a mineral called Versina, glittering all
over the surface of the planet, were like handfuls of stardust, peppering the
landscape by moonlight. She'd always felt it was one of the most beautiful
sights in the Universe.

"You're going to ask me how I knew about this place." His whispered voice
continued and she faced him in silence.

"How did you know?" She confirmed in a murmur.

Reaching out, he took her hand in his and lead her to a bench just inside the
perimeter of the terrace. He motioned for her to sit and she complied,
watching as he took the bench opposite hers.

"A month after our wedding never happened...." He glanced nervously at the
ground. ".. I knew you'd left for Starfleet and I came back here."

"You came back after I left?" She stared at him, perplexed. "Why?"

"Deanna, I knew what I'd done was.. unforgivable." He shook his head. "I
knew it was selfish... and wrong. But some part of me also felt, well,
relieved, I guess. And that made me wonder about.. a lot of things."

"It's in the past." She whispered, watching him with serious eyes.

"I had an attack of.." He paused for a beat. "..something. I was scared,
to be honest. Scared of tying myself down so young. Scared of what it might
mean for my career and... terrified of how much I felt for you. It even made
me a little crazy, I think."

Deanna shook her head. Why was he rehashing a history they had both put
behind them? Feelings and bitterness that they had struggled for years to
forget? What was he doing?

"Will, I don't understand where this is--"

"So when I knew you'd left.." He hurried on. "I came here on the next
transport. Dee, I knew that you'd be gone. I knew I'd be alone here, and
there was something almost -- fitting in that. God, I don't know how I
could have been feeling two totally conflicting things so strongly at the
same time, but I was. And it was too late for anything else. I knew that
too." He dug the toe of his boot into the soft earth beneath them.
"Afterwards, I even convinced myself that it was better that way... because
if I was capable of doing something that cowardly once, then I didn't deserve
any second chances, and you certainly didn't deserve a heel like me." He
smiled wryly.

She regarded him thoughtfully.

"Deanna.. what I said last week, in your quarters... I didn't mean those
things the way they sounded--"

"Veritas vos liberabit." She stood and came forward, sitting next to him and
placing her fingers against his lips.

"That's ancient Latin.." He tipped his head curiously. She nodded.

"The truth will set you free.." Her voice was quiet.

"It's been two months since we left the Briar Patch." His voice completed
the thought they'd both been having. "I know they told us any 'residual
effects' should have been gone a few weeks ago, already."

"Well my body certainly agrees with that statement." At her rueful smile, he
threaded his fingers with her hand. Deanna watched him curiously, but did
not try to stop him.

"Your body is just as beautiful now as the day I met you." His eyes were
serious.

"What about the way we feel?" She asked, dipping her head.

"When I'm with you, I feel as though you want us to be together." He
whispered, searching her gaze.

"I do." She admitted.

"And I do.." He exhaled slowly, bringing her hand to his lips where he
kissed her fingertips.

"Then why do we keep having the same conversation?" She smiled sadly,
tipping her head downward.

"That's why I brought you here, tonight." His eyes sparkled.

"To do this again?"

"No." Will shook his head. "To make it right. This time, I want to make it
right."

When she searched his gaze, Deanna could find no trace of hidden meaning, and
from his spirit she could sense only hope. It filled her. When he shifted
from the bench next to her, down onto one knee at her feet, she felt her
throat close up and her emotions surround them both.

"Imzadi." He began with a whisper. "You're my north star. My best friend.
My one and only truth." He swallowed again and she felt her eyes fill with
moisture. "Nothing. Nothing in my life or my career means anything without
you by my side to share it with me. And so I brought you here tonight to
ask.."

Reaching into his pocket, Will pulled out box inside of which lay a beautiful
lace handkerchief. Extracting his precious cargo, he reverently began to
unwrap it, revealing inch by inch, the most miraculously woven white headband
she had ever seen. It was a garment traditional to a Betazoid bride. And he
knew that very well.

"Deanna Troi.." He met her gaze and held it, watching as the first of her
teardrops began to fall. "Will you do me the honor .. will you make me
complete... will you consent to be my wife?"

She thought she made a sound. Through the haze of a dream, it seemed, she
found his eyes and wet her lips; sucking in several breaths, unable to speak.
Without words, she reached for the headband in his hand and took it up in
hers. Her gaze fell upon it and she was struck with awe at how beautiful it
was, how perfect; how he had known to make it this way. Her fingers closed
around it and she shut her eyes, trying desperately to center the tumbling
torrent of her emotion. Unbidden, she slid from the bench; unable to keep herself from him
any longer. She fell into his arms and drew her hands around him with a sob.

His arms swept her up into a passionate embrace, drew them both to their feet
where he gazed down at her, his own eyes filled with emotion; his voice near
breaking as he spoke.

"Is that a yes?" With unmistakable hope in his expression, he heard her
whisper:

"Yes!" And then she was kissing him. And he was kissing her. And all of
the magic of all the years of the miraculous bond they shared broke forth the
barriers which each of them had erected. Surrounding them, filling them,
finding them everywhere at once.

Will Riker threw his head back, lifting her off of her feet and spinning them
both around while the garden beyond them whispered its blessings; a gentle
caress of their bodies with a breeze. She was his. And he was hers. And
everything her heart had known .. was true.

END