My crack at the some of the unresolved Riker/Troi conflict from the episode "Haven" (where Wyatt Miller appears on the Enterprise). Told from the perspective of Counselor Troi...

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Revisionist Haven
QDestinyy@aol.com
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A manufactured gust of air tickled the skin on Deanna Troi's forehead. She sat with her hands on her knees, her face tipped upward and her eyes barely focused; watching with apathy as the light of three red suns dipped low beneath the horizon of this barren place.

She'd only been here once before. The planet was called Prakkas. It was the fifth in a solar system of class-L planets, each of them bleaker than the last. Somehow, this place was a haven Will Riker enjoyed. He'd come here before, calling the familiar desert landscape into the confines of the holodeck, and here he would sit ... and think.

Will. Deanna's thoughts settled on him. His stoic exterior; a calm, confidant facade that belied a heart which could empty of hope more quickly than any human she'd ever known. And yet when he loved, he could love with such ... passion.

She shut her eyes, feeling warm and fulfilled at the memory; complete. But it was just that sense of completeness that Will Riker seemed to lack. No matter his feelings, his endless search continued. The possibility that perhaps someday, he might captain his own ship, his own crew, his own destiny. He lived a career filled with progress and uncertainty; a lifestyle not conducive to love.

Perhaps it was a blessing that the Millers had arrived after all these years. Even though she'd imagined with near certainty that the oldest and dearest friend of her father would never seek the resolution of a decades-old pact.  Perhaps it had all turned out for the better.  Wyatt was here now. And she would honor the traditions of her people.

"Deanna?"

Caught up in her thoughts, she hadn't sensed his arrival. "Will?" she turned where she sat.

"I didn't think you'd still be here." Riker stepped carefully through the archway onto the holodeck. He looked strange, standing in the portal between ship's reality and this -- fantasy. But once the door had shut, there was only the desert and the wind at his back.

"I suppose I lost track of time," she shrugged lightly, smiling as he made his way toward her.

He looked calmer; more composed than the last time she had discovered him in this place. But she could still feel the presence of a keen and restless conflict in his heart.

Riker stopped suddenly, shoved both hands into his pockets and frowned.  It was then she noticed he had changed what he was wearing. His attire was far more casual now and even his hair didn't seem quite in place.

"Where's Wyatt?" he asked, studying her with eyes so blue she couldn't help remembering the first time she had lost herself in them.

Deanna swallowed and looked away. "Gone back to the party, I imagine."

"I see." Will made his way around the rock she sat on, leaning casually against it. "You didn't join him?"

"I needed some air."

His sudden grin startled her. "Fake air? You know none of this is real?" He swept his arm across the desert, indicating eternity.

"Fake air," she acknowledged with a smile.

"Shame," he sighed wistfully and she looked up at him, unable to gauge a correlation between his action and his mood. "You look so beautiful tonight. You should be at that party. They must miss your presence..."

"Well, I don't miss theirs." Deanna scowled. She knew her eyes had turned cold, but she could hardly find the means to care. "I'd almost forgotten until tonight. Their constant bickering and petty insults are the reason that I--" she trailed off and looked up at his serious expression, suddenly unwilling to share.

"That you--?" Riker leaned forward, but there wasn't a trace of a smile on his face.

"It's not important." Deanna managed a smile. At least her voice was cooperating tonight. She sounded sincere to her own ears. Though apparently not sincere enough for Will. The look he fixed her with was sharp.

"That you ... left Betazed?"

She turned toward him, a ready rebuke on her lips, only it never emerged. When she saw him watching her, unassuming, she felt as though she suddenly wanted to talk; needed to tell him what she couldn't tell anyone else. Her head dropped to her chest and then lifted again. 

He had somehow joined her on the rock.

"You know what it was like for me back then." Deanna began, knowing the point was rhetorical. Of course he knew, he was the one who had helped her find the courage to do something about it.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I recall knowing a fiercely independent, extremely conflicted young psychology student... also a daughter of the Fifth House of Betazed..." Will's smile was so warm, she had to welcome it in kind.

"There were so many things I wanted to do with my life," she sighed.

"And you still can."

"Perhaps. I suppose. I just ... didn't imagine things changing so quickly. That's all." Her hands fell into her lap and she idly played with her fingers.

"Deanna," he studied her frankly, "I'm no expert but I don't think that marriage has to kill all of a person's dreams. There are still a lot of ways to move forward with the life you've chosen. Ways to build a future that might be even more rewarding. And Starfleet isn't everything--"

She knew she was staring at him oddly, intently, but it was more out of fascination than genuine discovery at his revelation. Riker kept his gaze on her until he seemed to realize her scrutiny and then he looked away, chagrinned.

"Okay," he smiled. "I think we need to back up. What I'm trying to say--"

"Why?" She exhaled. "Why back up?"

"Well, because--"

"Because moving forward is risky."

"Imzadi--"

"Now I'm Imzadi? What happened to the human 'habit of the beasts'? Not being able to separate platonic love from physical love?" Deanna shot back at him more sharply than she'd intended. She felt her own cringe before it happened.

"Look, I'm sorry," he sighed. "I shouldn't have--"

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." Her hand covered his on the smooth rock between them and he fell silent. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

"That's okay. I think I probably deserved it."

Whether it was the ease with which he smiled, or the sudden lack of jealousy in his heart, Deanna would never be certain, but she promptly found herself unwilling to let him feel 'better' about this than she did. 'Leveling the playing field' was the colloquial Earth expression. Evening the odds...

"Wyatt kissed me." She looked right at him, not even caring what it was that had prompted her to deliver the dagger in such a manner. A morbid sense of finality forced her to continue. "You know I feel like he and I could even share our thoughts some day."

Riker cleared his throat and Deanna knew that she hat hit her mark; a fact which didn't deter her from enjoying, if only a little, the return of the anger she had sensed in him earlier. The resentment he managed to stamp down into the recess of his thoughts.

"Well, that's good, right?" he spoke softly.

"Yes."

"I guess that means that you and he--"

"We're already bonded." Smiling to herself, she looked away. "Genetically compatible in every way. And he's a wonderful man. Attentive and considerate. Very attractive..." a quiet sigh escaped her lips. "Isn't that convenient?"

Riker pulled uncomfortably on his tunic. "Deanna, I'm not sure where you're--"

"--going with this?" she finished for him. "I don't know. Does it matter?"

"Did you want to be alone?" He extricated his hand from hers and gently placed it elsewhere on the rock.

"Yes!" she snapped. "Yes, Will. I want to be alone. Completely and utterly alone, for the rest of my life." Deanna fired an angry glare in his direction and didn't even pause when his jaw dropped at her tone of voice. "I want to wake up every morning in a dark room and know that there's no one there and there never will be. That's exactly what I want."

"Deanna, what did I do to deserve this?" He had his back up, but she refused to look away.

"Nothing." she gathered her hands in her lap and curled her fingers inward, standing in an instant. "Computer, display arch."  A shimmering portal appeared in the desert and Deanna marched in its direction. "I'm getting married tomorrow, Will." Her voice was quiet when she stopped in the doorway. "Have a wonderful career."  She didn't even bother looking back as she entered the corridor of the Enterprise and heard the soft hiss of the archway close behind her.

"Deanna!" Riker called after her. The commanding sound of his voice echoed in the hallway and several officers paused to witness the odd exchange.

She heard his footsteps; could almost feel their soft impact on the floor behind her and she stopped when she felt his hand on her shoulder, rounding on him when he forced her to halt.

"Deanna," he insisted, suddenly agape when his eyes settled on her face. "You're crying."

"Let go of me." She shrugged her arm from his grasp and turned into the nearest doorway. It was an empty meeting room, and there were several chairs around a small table within. Ultimately, it was also a dead end. But by the time she realized she was trapped, he had already entered from behind her, effectively blocking the exit.

"Don't cry," he pleaded; rigid in the doorway as it closed.

"Oh, shut up." She grabbed a chair and fell into it, shoving a fall of hair off her shoulder.

"I don't want you to marry Wyatt." Riker moved toward her and knelt at her feet, placing his arms on her knees.

"That's not your decision to make." Deanna stared down at him coldly, hoping for as unaffected a gaze as possible. Already her tears were cooperating and had ceased to fall. "Wyatt is a wonderful man. He cares for me."

"So do I." Riker took her hand and held it, despite her half-hearted attempt at pulling free. She finally acquiesced and let the appendage drop with his, into her lap.

"He and I have a connection."

"So do we."

"We have nothing."

Riker's eyes widened and Deanna found she had to look away first.

"Really?" she heard him whisper, "is the Betazoid heart so small that a bond like ours can be dismissed so easily?"

"You can't do that." Troi found her battle with tears dip into momentary concession. "You can't use my own words against me." She scowled at him.

"I can do anything I want to ... Imzadi," he smiled wanly at her and squeezed her hand. "Alls fair in love and war."

"I could love him." Deanna felt the hurt of her words find a home in Will's heart as she spoke, but she couldn't bring herself to negate the truth.  She expected him to challenge her; to respond with passionate certainty. But he did neither of those things.

"I know." Riker hung his head.

Her eyes filled with glass. "You come to me, and you tell me that you don't want me to marry him." Her hand extended and she touched his face, tracing downward until her fingers settled against his chest. "I can feel the hurt of it in here, but--"

"I can't offer you what you need." He lifted his eyes and they were empty of his usual confidence; filled with sadness instead. "I can't offer you what you deserve."

Deanna watched him for a time; explored the same blue eyes that slipped with such profound and simple ease inside her soul. "Do you want me to tell him no?" she asked.

He didn't respond.

"Because if you asked me to, I would." She pressed her palm to his. "I would tell them all to go away. To never come back. Even ... if it meant I'd end up alone."

Riker shut his eyes and balled his hand into a fist. She felt his spirit, and it was filled with loathing; all of it directed inward. When he opened his eyes again, it was clear that they were also wet. "I can't." He stared at her a moment longer and her sense of him shifted; he was suddenly consumed by grief. The presence of it filled her heart, and there was something even stronger. "You should marry him." he said.

"I should," she echoed softly. "I would have loved him." The confusion in his expression spurred her onward. "I could have loved him."

Riker seemed to consider. His feelings flew through her thoughts at warp speed, gathering strength and conviction as she began to lose track.

"More than anything, I've wanted to be a captain," he offered her a rueful half-smile, "but I've been thinking lately.  I can't really do that.  Not unless I have a great ship's counselor."

Deanna looked back at him. She saw him release his tentative breath and she reached for his hand. "I've also been thinking. Lately,"  she said softly, "I might like to be 'a great ship's Counselor' ... someday."

Will took her hand and brought it slowly to his lips. He drew his mouth across her wrist and she shivered. Her whole body rippled with the pulse of it and she found no protest when he hooked his arm around her waist, pulling her gently from the chair onto the floor opposite him.

Their faces were moments apart, his breath caressed her lips and her eyes fell shut in the instant before his kiss poured liquid heat inside her mouth; throughout her spirit.

<Picard to Riker>

The touch of Will's lips pulled away from hers and she watched his blue eyes open. Both hands fell to his sides. "Riker here."

<Commander, your presence is required on the bridge. Please inform Counselor Troi as well. It appears that the Terellian plague ship is refusing to acknowledge Haven's request to turn back.>

"Understood sir. We're on our way." Riker silenced the communication, then looked at her once more. "We are on our way," he repeated for a very different audience.

"Yes." Deanna lay her head against his chest and he helped her to her feet. His hand lingered on her wrist slightly longer than was necessary, but she didn't mind. His emotions were scattered and confusing. They were also warm; filled with HER and a sense of need so powerful she wanted it forever. With her hand still captured by his, they walked towards the door.

Emerging from the tiny conference room, two officers appeared. Out of uniform and side by side, they made their way to quarters for the inevitable change.


[END]