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"Second Thoughts"
--a dialogue driven vignette--
QDestinyy@aol.com

EPISODIC TIMEFRAME: Post "Second Chances"
Rated R -- Adult Content/Dialogue

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"Will."
"You've been crying." He watched her through the door to her quarters.
"I'm -- not feeling very well." She tucked some hair behind her ear and looked away.
"I can see that."
"Yes, well, this -- it isn't a good time." Her voice was thin.
"We could talk.." His hands fisted momentarily at his sides.
"I'd rather not." She shrugged.
"Okay."
They were both silent.
"Goodnight Will."
"Deanna--"
She looked away.
"You don't have to do this. Not alone."
She met his eyes. "Goodnight Will."
He paused, then dropped his head. "Goodnight..."
The door slid shut between them. He stayed there for a moment. Unable to move. Regarding her doorway with a thoughtful frown.
"I'm sorry," he whispered finally, turning away. He'd taken three steps when the door to her quarters slid open once more.
"You know.." He heard her voice behind him. "There are times when it really sucks to be an empath."
He spun around, throwing her a look. The corners of her lips turned up.
"You don't owe me any apology."
When he didn't respond, she tipped her head and shook it slowly. "Come here, Will."
He took a step forward and then stopped.
"Will." She repeated. "You haven't *done* anything. Except be a wonderful friend." For a time she seemed to contemplate. "Which is more than I can say right now."
"Haven't I? Deanna, I do feel responsible." He frowned in frustration. "And maybe you're all right. Maybe, on the surface, it had nothing to do with me, but I think it did. Underneath all that, I know it did. And damn it, I *am* sorry." He looked up at her. "Because I know this can't be easy for you, and as much as I didn't *do* anything to perpetuate it, I didn't *do* anything to stop it, either. Even though I knew .. I *knew* this would happen..."
Her eyes filled with glassy teardrops and she blinked them back. "Stop it." She whispered. "It wasn't your decision to make."
"I could have warned you." He shook his head.
"You tried." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I came to you and you tried to--"
"Yeah." He muttered harshly. "You're damn right you came to me. You came to me and I did what? I smiled and told you I was .. what? Flattered? Like hell I was flattered.."
"Stop it.." She backed against the wall. "It's over."
He stared at her mutely for several silent moments. "Over." He sighed. "Just like that. Only you've been crying and now you're hurting just the same. And indirectly or not, I'm the one responsible.." He trailed off.
She turned her head and looked away.
"Deanna, I never imagined you would let him back into your life that way. You have to believe me, I didn't think it was even a possibility..."
She raised her gaze to meet his. "You never imagined.." Her voice was soft. "Never even considered..." She nodded slowly. Too slowly. And then she smiled. "Goodnight Will." She turned her back and walked beyond the doorway.
"Wait a second, I--"
The door slid shut behind her.
His mouth fell open. "What the hell just happened?" Reaching out, he touched the doorchime with the end of his finger. "Deanna?"
His query was met with silence. He rang again.
"Deanna, I don't understand--"
::::Do you understand *this*:::: A wall of emotion slammed into him accompanied by her voice in his thoughts. He staggered briefly and sucked in a breath, catching the doorframe with his hand.
"That isn't fair." He returned sharply. "You know I can't answer you that way.."
:::Can't or won't?::: Her accusation echoed in his thoughts.
He suddenly smiled. "You asked me that on Betazed. When you were trying to teach me. The day before we--"
Her presence in his mind cut out abruptly and he cringed. "Damn it, Deanna!" He grumbled. "Why don't you just stab me in the skull while you're at it?"
She was silent.
"You know it hurts like hell when you just throw a block down that way.." He rubbed the side of his head as though it might have made a difference and threw a scathing glance at her doorway. "Though I guess I have to admit it's been a long time since I've felt that particular brand of Fifth House charm..."
The door to her quarters hissed aside and she stood there, glaring up at him. "Leave my mother out of this." Her dark eyes flashed.
"I'm sorry." He repeated, and he met her gaze dead on.
"I never asked for your apology. Will, don't you get it? This isn't *about* you. Contrary to the Riker system of belief, my universe does not revolve around *you*!"
"Then why are you yelling at me?" He dropped his shoulders and raked his hands back through his hair.
"I--" She stopped and frowned. For a time, she said nothing. "I don't know." She finally whispered. Her eyes traced the bulkhead behind him. And then she started laughing. Softly at first, as though she were remembering some secret amusement. She crossed her arms over her midriff.
Will stared at her. "Deanna--?" He took a step forward.
Her head snapped up at his motion and her voice faltered. Laughter transformed into something far less joyful and her eyes filled with teardrops while her body shook around her.
"Go away.." She whispered. "Just let me be.."
"Please .. talk to me."
"There's nothing to say." She backed farther into the space behind her.
"Then let me talk to you."
She regarded him mutely.
"Please?" He took three more steps until he'd crossed the threshold of her quarters, and there he stopped. "Please.." Her door slid shut behind him.
"I really am fine. And none of this was your fault." She shrugged.
"So we're back where we started." He frowned.
"Will, you were with me all afternoon. You've listened to every pathetic thing I've had to say since he left and now you're standing here telling me that it wasn't enough? What more do you want from me? I need a little time, all right? I need some time to -- right my sense of things. But I *will* be fine. I was fine before and I'll be just fine again." Her voice trailed off angrily.
"I know you will." He whispered. "I just thought maybe--"
"What? Maybe I'd feel like a good cry? Sobbing all over your shoulder because I just can't get over the sorrow of it? The fact that he hurt me. The fact that you ripped my heart out, yet again...?" Her eyes grew wide. She realized what she'd said.
Will exhaled slowly.
"I'm sorry--" She swallowed, "I didn't mean--"
"Yes you did." He came towards her and took one of her hands in his.
"Not like that." She whispered, turning her head away.
"You don't love him." He drew his fingers through hers and pulled their palms together.
She looked up at him. "Yes," she murmured softly. "I do."
"Not like that." He echoed, pulling her closer towards him.
"How would you know?" She tried to pull away.
:::Because he can't::: His voice tumbled somewhat awkwardly inside her head. :::And I won't:::
Her eyes grew large.
:::Because I can::: He continued. :::And don't:::
He stared at her for an undetermined time. Watching her, searching her expression with an unfamiliar intentness. And then he lifted the block. Out of practice, he tore it roughly from the base of his soul and threw it aside in one incredible motion, exposing that part of himself he'd kept hidden for so many years.
She gasped and pulled her hand from his. There was silence between them as she caught her breath. Then she turned away. Nearly throwing her small body through the doorway to her quarters, she slammed her hand down on the lock-plate and staggered backward as it shut.
:::Deanna,:::
She heard him in her head and fought the rush of angry tears which blurred her vision.
:::Damn it, Counselor, you're not the only one who was hurt! You don't get to be the victim forever!.::: His hand hovered over the bulkhead next to her door, but he resisted the urge to take his frustration out on its surface.
:::You lied to me,::: a wall of anger hit him in the chest.
"Like hell I did!" He spoke aloud, "Computer, override lock, cabin nine-ten, security authorization."
={Authorization for ship's first officer, Commander William Riker, accepted}= The door slid quietly aside, revealing the angriest Betazoid he had ever seen.
"You don't love him," he repeated, focussing on the anger in her eyes. "Oh, I don't doubt that you tried. I don't doubt that he said all the right things and did all the right things. God knows if I wanted to disregard your wishes, I could have seduced you a hundred times by now and you'd never have stopped me."
Her jaw dropped and she threw him a look of surprised incredulity. "You arrogant bastard," she didn't even bother yelling, her voice was barely a whisper.
"He's gone, Deanna. He's never coming back for you. You have my personal guarantee on that and do you know why?" Forging ahead coldly, despite her expression, he smirked. "Because I would have done the same thing if I were him."
"You're not him." her eyes narrowed.
"Maybe not anymore. But I sure as hell was."
The tears in her eyes had vanished, leaving only a frigid darkness. "Get out," she spat, "leave me alone."
"Not this time, *Imzadi*." His blue eyes flashed. "We're going to finish this conversation. And if you think for one minute that I'm going to smile and walk out of here afterwards just because you beg me not to touch you while we're serving on board the same ship, you've got one hell of a surprise in store."
"Listen to what you're saying!" she gasped, eyes livid.
"Why should I? You sure as hell haven't been these past seven years. And what ever happened to the woman who used to beg me to get in touch with what I was feeling?" He scowled at her. "Well, I'm in touch with it, believe me. I have been for years. You're the one who's scared Deanna. You're terrified of me." His anger snapped neatly in two and he muttered, "and all I've wanted to do since the day we stepped on board the Enterprise was love you again."
Without warning, she advanced on him menacingly. "Yes, right after your next promotion," she accused, "and the one after that, and the one after that. How does tomorrow sound for you, Will? Think you can fit me in?"
"That's a cheap shot and you know it isn't fair." He glared at her.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Have I upset your little universe? Well isn't that just too bad." she spat. "Is it any more fair to fall in love with someone who's first priority has nothing to do with you?"
He stared at her for a moment, until his lip curled into a smirk. "I knew you weren't in love with him."
"If I could choose anyone -- *anyone* in this universe to love other than Will Riker, I would undo every moment of our past to make it happen. I want you to know that," she glared at him coldly.
"Oh, I'm sorry." he echoed sarcastically. "Have I upset your little universe?" Advancing toward her, he pulled her roughly into his arms. "Isn't that just too bad." Sealing his lips over hers, he devoured her mouth, ignoring the feeble protest she uttered. He wound his hands around her waist and thrust his tongue between her lips, meeting her own half way. "This is your cue," tearing his kiss from her mouth, he looked down on her with an inscrutable expression, poorly imitating her voice when next he spoke. "Not while we're serving on board the same ship..."
Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't say a word until it was clear he had nothing more to add. "Are you finished?" she threw him a sharp look.
"Not even close."
"Then shut up." Her small hands seized the back of his neck and pulled him forward with more force than he'd imagined she was capable of. She kissed him again. "I am not afraid of you," he heard her mutter against his lips.
"Oh, yes you are." Lifting her small body from the floor, he tipped her against the wall. "But if it makes you feel any better," his hands cupped her breast beneath the fabric of her civilian dress and she bit down on a groan. "you scare the hell out of me sometimes, too."
Her dark eyes flashed and a slow smile crept along her lips. "I *was* in love with him, you know." she smirked at the look in his eyes and then added, "seven years ago."
"You *are* in love with me," he countered.
"Are you going to kiss me or not?"
He raised an eyebrow. "How does tomorrow sound for you, Counselor?"
She shoved against his body, forcing him backward; forcing herself off the wall, and she advanced toward him until his legs hit the arm of her couch and he stumlbed against it. He let himself fall, laying flat on his back and watching in amusement as she climbed on top of him, straddling his waist.
"Like one hell of a bad idea, Commander," Deanna's head tipped sideways and she regarded him dangerously.
"That's what I thought." Reaching around her waist, he yanked her down on top of him, grinning as her smiling lips descended on his.
"God, you feel so damn incredible." his breath caught in his throat.
"Then do something about it," Deanna growled into his kiss.
"I think I will," He plunged his hands between them, drawing her uniform top high, over her head. Exposing a warm expanse of flesh at her midriff. "You're so beautiful," he whispered harshly, brushing hot lips across every inch of bare skin.
"Oh--" Deanna's head fell back against the firm cushions of the couch. Her hands tangled gently in his hair and she called for him, moaning as he teased the tender skin at her navel. "Yes..." The breath of her whisper accompanied her hands at the base of his neck. "You're teasing me..." she whimpered when his kisses moved higher on her body.
"You love to be teased," he recalled, following the moment with the low sound of his laughter.
"Then don't stop," she giggled, cupping the back of his neck. She drew his face within proximity of hers and the dancing light in her eyes seemed to sparkle while her lips drew apart, still damp from the moisture of their previous kiss.
Riker's lips sealed hungrily on hers, devouring her with punishing force. She met him pull for pull. Her small hands slid high along his shoulders, loosening the catch of his uniform jacket and shoving it backward away from his body.
The shirt he wore was next.
"Doesn't it matter that I'm serving on board the same ship?" he teased, kissing her time and again.
Deanna took his lower lip between her teeth as he pulled back, forcing a deep sound from low in his throat. Closing her eyes, she arched her back and licked the pulse on his neck, sealing her lips over its steady rhythm.
"I guess that depends," her voice, heavy with passion, melted into a groan. "--on who you're serving--" and she gasped when his tongue crawled languorously from her neck to her breast and then lower still -- down, over the firm tip of her nipple. "Yes, yes..."
"You like that?" He switched his attention to the other side.
"Oh ... gods ..." her hands clutched the back of his head, "Will, please!"
"Please what?" he pressed, holding her down on the couch with one arm while the heat of his mouth traced a pathway over her abdomen.
"Please!" she gasped when the rest of her uniform fell carelessly aside and there was cool air all around her, counterpoint to every inch of skin that touched his lips. "Touch me..." she begged.
"Where?"
"Everywhere." Deanna bit down on a cry of absolute lust when his hands joined his mouth in a sensual exploration of her body. "Oh, Will.." she shut her eyes and took her own lip between her teeth.
Will's head moved low. His lips found the butterfly heat of her center and she screamed when he rolled his tongue across the sensitive bundle of nerves. "Oh! Gods, Will! Don't... stop!"
Her body arched to meet his touch in a carnal imitation of the real thing.
"I only want to make one thing clear to you, Imzadi--" Riker teased her deep between her legs until her cries for him tore mewling gasps from her throat. Only then did he pull his lips away from the heat of her core, watching with dangerous eyes as she cried out in frustration and loss.
Deanna met his gaze head on, because she had no other choice.
Riker pulled her body flush beneath him. They were flesh to flesh and breath to gasp. "It isn't Tom that's with you right now," he bruised her lips with the force of his next kiss and then drew back, aware of the angry fire in her eyes. "It's not him," he growled possessively, "and it never will be!"
Riding high on a sense of control before the moment was shattered, Riker entered her body in one powerful motion.
"Ohh!" Deanna's head tipped backward. "Yess!" Her eyes fell shut and her mouth rolled open when she screamed his name.
His name.
Not Tom's.
Riker's groan became a primal growl. He drove her backward, hard against the couch beneath them. With every thrust, he felt her shiver, saw her tremble as the apex of her pleasure drew nearer.
"Look at me." He demanded, seizing on the depth of her endless onyx eyes when they slid open. Unusually obedient, Deanna found his dark blue gaze and held it.
With one final plunge, he held her down on her back; stopped moving all together, until her fingernails bit savagely into the skin on his shoulders; until her frustrated pleas swore in truth that he was all she'd ever wanted.
It was wrong of him to force this on her. Male and pride-filled and petty. But Tom's appearance had reminded him of everything he'd ever fought for in his life. And all of it together meant he needed her the most. More than anything. More than all of it combined.
"I love you," he admitted to her -- low, beneath his breath -- watching while her large, dark eyes were fixed on him. "God, I've always loved you..."
Her beautiful expression drew breath as moisture, but their movement started again. And though he held her with the rhythm that he set, she didn't fight it. Nor was the anger he had seen earlier still present in her gaze. Only the tears that dripped from her lashes though their eyes remained locked.
One stroke. And then another. And another. She struggled for breath and his hands took her face between them, pressing backward on the hair which clung stubbornly to the damp edges of her cheeks.
"Tell me," he pleaded with her, begging her for something inarticulate. "Deanna!"
"I love you!" She cried out again. "Will..." Her voice rose high as his mouth sealed wantonly on hers. But his body drove her deeper, harder than before.
Deanna's back arched high above the couch. Her muscles clenched around him when he called her name in kind, and her slight frame shook in the wake of the aftershock they'd shared.
They fell together. Bodies joined, lips touching in a slow and drowsy caress.
Riker's arms wound around her; held her close and kissed her mouth while she was kissing him.
"You're so beautiful," he repeated, lifting a curl of perfect ebony hair from her cheek.
"Don't move. Please," her whisper touched his skin and her dark eyes slid shut. Their legs were wound together, their bodies face to face on the confined space of the couch, but he held her unmoving; kissed her neck and her eyelids, the parted curve of her lip.
"I don't remember this," she finally opened her eyes. When he looked in them, they were filled with hope.
"It's not like it was before," he agreed.
"No," Deanna smiled and drew their mouths together. "It's better."
And who the hell was he to argue? He kissed her back.

[END]