"The Test of Time"
By: QDestinyy@aol.com
Notes: Another "Second Chances" addendum. Or
rather, a mid-episodic complete break from canon that will have anyone married
to the episode cursing my very existence... Tom Riker proponents, beware
(he's not even in this piece)! This is a short, dialogue-driven exercise
more than anything else. It's very rough and in no way cohesive when it
comes to plot or circumstance, so be gentle please.
"I thought I might find you here," Deanna Troi slipped quietly within
the confines of the Enterprise holodeck.
"And so you did," Will Riker answered flatly, staring far off into
space. He didn't budge when she moved closer, or when she placed a hand upon his
shoulder from behind. But with his eyes fixed straight ahead and his legs draped
casually off the side of a rough, uneven crag, he scanned the horizon in stoic
silence.
"The Denobulan Nebula," Deanna quietly observed.
"From an asteroid in space."
"It's beautiful."
"I've always thought so."
Repositioning herself, Deanna lowered her body next to his. "I thought,
when I left you in Ten Forward, things were fine."
Riker offered her a sidelong glance. "They were fine. They still are."
"Then why am I not feeling 'fine' from you?" she chided, examining the
variance in his eyes.
"Well I don't know," he placed his hands behind his back and settled
in, "'cause I feel great. So maybe it's you this time..."
Deanna fixed him with a tolerant stare.
"...or maybe it's him?" Riker looked up with a smirk, "did
you think of that? Beverly said he's just like me in every respect. Maybe
better," his mumble came beneath his breath.
"Did you say better?" she slowly shook her head. "Will, first of
all, he's not you."
"Now," he amended, "but there was a time we were one and the
same."
"Eight years ago," she sighed, "I had a feeling this could
happen. I know that this has been strange for you. It has to be and I would
never intentionally upset you, Will, I only--"
"Deanna, you don't have to explain." With a thoughtful shrug he sat up
all the way, "I meant what I said, you don't need my permission if you want
to be with him."
"They why are you angry?"
"I'm not."
Deanna was quiet.
"All right," he admitted, "There's a part of me that's a little
angry. A very little part. But it's not for the reason you think."
"And what do I think?"
Riker opened his mouth and then shut it again, looking back at her
disapprovingly. "Isn't there some place else you have to be, Counselor?"
With a gamine smile tilt of her head, Deanna settled on the rock by his side.
"Not particularly. No."
"No date?" he asked.
"No," she half-laughed.
"You're right. He isn't me," Riker muttered, "he's working much
too slowly."
Deanna rolled her eyes. "If you must know, Commander,"
she exhaled, "I told him I thought it would be best if we took tonight to
think. Alone."
Riker's eyebrow rose. "And he said...?"
"Well, since you think he is you, why don't you tell me?"
He narrowed his eyes. "All right. He tried to convince you otherwise. And
when that didn't work, he agreed magnanimously, but not before making you
promise you'd see him again the very next day..."
A hint of color stole into Deanna's cheeks.
"I told you," Riker smiled despite his mood, "we're just the
same."
"Oh no you're not," her voice came back full force with all its
confidence intact. "Trust me on that."
"All right, I'll bite Deanna, why don't you tell me how we're
different, then?"
She sat back on her rock. "Okay... well first of all, he's... brash."
"I'm brash."
"You were," she shook her head. "He's also prideful to a
fault."
"So am I."
"No," once again she smiled, "you're prideful to a point."
"And there's a difference?"
"Yes. Now will you let me finish, please?"
"By all means."
"He's driven, self-motivated, ambitious."
Riker frowned. "And I am..?"
"Focused, decisive, self-aware," she placed a hand on his. "Your
life has moved through eight years where his stayed the same, Will, can't you
see? The man you are, the man you were even, is not the man he is today. He's
catching up in many respects. He's making up for time he lost."
Will dropped his head and glanced down at the rock. "I've been a bit hard
on him," he confessed.
"You've always been hard on yourself."
When he looked up again, Riker slowly took a breath. "But if he's not
me..."
Deanna smiled in understanding, "he isn't you, Will. Maybe once upon a time
he was. But not today."
"You know, for some reason, it feels good to hear you say that."
"But does it make you feel any better?" she asked him softly, folding
her fingers over the edge of his hand.
"A little," he awarded her a lop-sided grin. "I guess."
"You guess?"
Riker took a silent moment to absorb Deanna's features. When he spoke again, it
was quietly. "He still has you..."
Deanna looked back at him. For the flash of an instant, there was something
inexpressible in her eyes. But she only shrugged. "That remains to be
seen."
"Why?" he asked, then glanced away. "I'm sorry. I don't even have
a right to ask you that, do I."
She stared out at the stars. "It's all right. But the answer may be
difficult to hear."
He lifted his head. "Try me."
"Will, what you said to me in Ten Forward, about your choices when we were
young--and by consequence, about his choices now--it made me think."
"I was hoping you would think," he nodded.
"Well, I did. I'd been doing nothing but thinking, in truth, from the
moment he arrived on board. Thinking things I'd sworn I'd never think about
again. The problem was, believe it or not, your words were really only an echo
of the words inside my own mind. The warning that I could never trust him...
because I could never trust you."
He regarded her mutely.
"Only the truth is, there's a part of me that wanted so desperately to
believe," she smiled ruefully and shook her head at his compassionate
expression. "I wanted to find it in my heart to forgive him...for
something you did."
Riker sighed "I can understand that," he said. "But maybe neither
one of us deserves a 'second chance'. Deanna, I don't want to see you get hurt
again. And it scares me that I don't know how he'd make that choice. Not
really, I can only guess. But I would die inside if I knew that I..." he
frowned in frustration, "that he..."
Deanna looked away self-consciously, then back again. She touched his face.
"You know something Will? There are times that you're so easy to fall in
love with..."
"I thought you said he wasn't me."
"I did," she whispered.
Riker caught her hand before she moved it. "Deanna..."
"I think," she cut him off, and blinked to strengthen her resolve,
"that I'm a little confused right now. I think I just need to sort a few
things out. In my head... inside my heart." Her meaningful expression
captured his.
"And here I thought I was the only one," he smiled affectionately.
When Riker's face moved imminently closer; when his warm, sweet breath caressed
the edge of her lips, Deanna's teardrops fell at last. "Will, please
don't," she implored. As though she couldn't stop him otherwise. As though
the call was entirely his.
"I'm sorry," he drew back as though he'd been slapped. "That was
incredibly insensitive of me."
"No," she pressed two fingers against his lips. "It's all right.
I understand."
"Do you?" he asked, "do you really understand?"
Deanna removed her hand and nodded, "yes."
Examining the myriad of exotic colors reflected in her eyes, Riker lifted the
hand she'd dropped and held it lightly to his cheek. "I believe you,"
he said.
"Then you're not angry anymore?" her question carried out into the
artificial nebula.
Riker managed a wan smile. "No."
"You don't feel hurt?" she returned his expression in kind, amending
regretfully, "it's difficult for me to read you just this moment."
"I know that," he placed his forehead gently over hers, "but how
could I possibly feel hurt with you here, smiling up at me."
Deanna caught her grin before it spread entirely. "So easy..." she
repeated in a quiet voice against his proximal lips, drawing warm fingertips
along the sides of his face. And suddenly, she wasn't pulling away from him
anymore. Her dark eyes fastened on his, and the smile she wore disappeared.
"He isn't me, Deanna," Riker cautioned them both, before their mouths
brushed tenderly together.
"No, he's not," she took a breath and let it go, resuming her earlier
course with greater intent.
"I'll ask for all of you," he gasped, still kissing her despite his
weak resolve.
"I know," she met his breath half way.
"He wouldn't do that. It would be easier," Riker shut his eyes and
traced her lips with his, resisting when she toyed with his desire. "He
would still be willing to give you time. To look around... explore..."
"I don't want time," Deanna's mouth closed passionately over his and
Riker's insubordinate hands rose quickly from his sides to cup her face.
"It won't be like it was," he managed thinly. "We'd have to start
again--"
"We already have," her smile caressed his skin. "Six
years..."
"But I won't leave you this time--" the sound of Riker's own voice
nearly startled him, as did his swiftly dissipating dispute, "I'd rather
die than hurt you."
Deanna's kiss grew deeper; harsher, more intense. He wound his arms around her
body, felt her fingers on his neck. "You talk a lot more than I
remember," she murmured when they both came up for air.
"I just... I don't want you to regret this, Dea--"
"Shh," her eyes slid open, "I know what I want."
"He's still on board..."
"That's how I know," she shook her head, a whisper next to his.
"I wish that you could see."
"I wish that too," he sighed, but pulled a shallow heartbeat from her
touch. "I can't--"
"Then feel." She drew her palms back on his face, "if you
can't see with me, I know that you can feel..."
Deanna shut her eyes again and in the instant they were closed, Riker nearly
fell against her chest. There were flashes; moments, memories. Of their lives on
board the Enterprise. Deanna's smile, her joy at work, her special fondness for
dessert and for their dinners in his quarters. There were images of crewmates,
late night poker games and the triumph of every shared success. And somehow all
of it was real inside her mind; somehow it all tied in to him. Enmeshed
with friendship and affection. All senses she had never shared this way with him
before.
"Open your mind," she begged, "Will, there's so much
more..."
"The bond is ours, isn't it?" Riker suddenly realized. "He
doesn't share it anymore..."
Deanna froze. But she said nothing in return.
Riker looked into her eyes. "All these years together on board the
Enterprise, it's grown stronger..."
"Yes," she admitted quietly.
He slowly backed away. "So, what? You tried with him, it didn't work, and
now you're here to try with me?"
Deanna recoiled as though he'd struck her. "What?"
"He comes on board, the two of you have some kind of ...affair. Then you
show up here and now you want the same with me. Are you 'comparing' Rikers
now?" he spat, " Please tell me what exactly I'm supposed to
think!"
Erecting her posture, Deanna glared back at him indignantly. "Apparently
nothing. Then again, 'nothing' should suit your capacity far better than
straining toward the obvious!" Her hands shot out for balance and she began
struggling to her feet. "I don't even know what *I* was thinking
anymore!"
"Computer!" Riker called out, "change of location. Foothills.
Betazed. Tana Province."
The ground and sky were suddenly altered. A field of grass laid out beneath
Troi's hands and she thrust up against it, jumping to her feet.
"You fell in love with him in less than two days?" he interrogated her
back while she strode toward the door. But his question hung in the air like a
solid object between them.
Deanna suddenly paused. "Why Betazed?" she asked.
"Huh?"
"Just now, you turned the Denobulan Nebula into... this," she waved a
hand.
"You were having trouble getting up. I was trying to help," Riker
shrugged.
"Liar," she rounded on him. "You saw it in your head."
"No I didn't."
Deanna advanced toward him, pointing at his chest, "yes you did. I was
thinking about this place before I got angry. When we were--" her voice
trailed off and she cleared her throat, "I was thinking about it because of
the rocks in that other place, but I never sent you that thought..."
Riker frowned and shook his head. "So what?"
"So you were right..." she reached his position and stopped,
"...the link has grown much stronger."
"You already mentioned that," he said.
"No," she maintained, "I didn't know it was this strong."
"I don't even see the significance--" he began.
"No, you wouldn't." she cut him off with a frustrated glower.
Riker regained his composure and stood, towering over her though she hadn't
moved a breath from where she stood. "I asked you a question, Deanna. Are
you in love with him? Are you disappointed that there's no bond the way there is
with us?"
Deanna placed her hands on both her hips, but didn't speak.
"Now I think I get it," he muttered angrily, "Believe me Deanna,
if I could give you the damn thing back to share with him right now, I would..."
Deanna scowled, "Ohh! You small minded... arrogant...." her hands flew
up in the air with exasperation..."Human!"
Riker tipped his head and laughed, "is that supposed to be an insult?"
"No!" she was shaking where she stood, "it's a reminder to myself
that you will never understand!"
"No, of course not, your highness, I'm only a lower life form...how
could I possibly ever understand?"
Deanna narrowed her eyes. "You haven't called me that in thirteen
years."
Riker released a livid puff of air. "Well maybe that's because I forgot how
well it applied."
Hands clenched, white knuckled at both her sides, Deanna stalked him. "If I
could have my way, Will Riker, I'd wash my hands of both of you!"
"I thought you said we weren't the same," he mocked sarcastically.
"Ohh... sometimes I just wish--!" she released her hands and drew a
shallow breath.
"What?" he caught her arm before she turned, "Go ahead Deanna,
finish it."
"No one gets to me like this..." she murmured in aggravation,
more to herself than him, yanking free of his grasp. "You have no
right."
"I beg your pardon?" he half-laughed, "now it's my fault you
lost your high and mighty aristocratic self-control and got angry? I
don't think so."
"You don't think at all!" she rounded on him fiercely, "and
that's the problem. When I'm with you..." her voice strained with the
effort of the admission, "neither do I."
Riker stared at her in silence. "There was a time you didn't think that was
such a terrible thing," he told her flatly. But rather than the well-armed
adversarial come-back he'd been almost gratefully anticipating, Deanna's eyes
filled with vibrant, radiant tears.
A quiet sound escaped her lips and she sank to her knees on the grass, facing
away from him, trembling from the force of her own emotion.
Riker stood behind her in stunned bewilderment. "Deanna?" he took a
step toward her, abruptly bereft of the resentment he'd previously been feeling.
She was quiet, but it was more than evident that her fiercest battle was
internal, with the powerful force behind her tears.
Riker knelt down on the grass beside her. He placed a hand against her arm and
swallowed, "Deanna... I'm sorry. I was acting like a jealous idiot. I have
no right to your affection, and you don't owe me anything. I didn't--"
Deanna turned her head and fixed her eyes on his. "I asked you to be honest
with me, and you gave me little more than a half-truth."
"I know," he dropped his hand.
"So you've learned nothing then?" her question was filled with an
almost tangible sense of sadness, "you understand nothing about what it
means for me--for any Betazoid--to share ourselves with someone else. To share a
bond like we have..."
"No," Riker squared both shoulders and met her expression directly.
"No, I do understand, Deanna. That's why I said what I did. I meant
that part at least. If I could give you back the bond you want to share
with him, I swear I would..."
Deanna's dark eyes widened, "why would you think I would want that?"
"Because... I saw the way you looked at him. I saw the light in your eyes.
I told you I remember... you used to have that look for me."
"Really. And what about the way I look at you?" she asked,
"it doesn't matter?"
"It isn't the same," he almost smiled.
"No it's not," Deanna took a cleansing breath and removed the
remainder of the moisture from her eyes. "Will, you hurt me."
"I know," his shoulders fell, "I made a lot of mistakes back
then, and that's why I've always been so grateful we could still be friends. All
I meant this afternoon as that he has the same choice I did, all those years
ago. If you let him, he could..."
Clasping his arm, Deanna whispered sadly. "I'm not talking about the past,
Will, I meant right now. Tonight. You hurt me now."
"I did?" he fell back onto his haunches.
"I opened my heart to you and you shoved it aside," she shook her
head, "I shared something with you I've never shared with anyone before and
you... pushed me away as though it didn't mean anything."
"Deanna," he gasped, "I didn't--"
"I know," she dropped her gaze. "and I'm not sure if that hurts
me even more."
"No you don't understand," Riker lifted her chin with the crook of his
finger, "I wasn't going to say I didn't know what you were doing, I
was going to say I didn't think you meant to share with me like that. You told
me clearly, you were confused. That's only natural," he sighed and took an
instant to collect his tumbling thoughts, "Deanna, if we'd finished what
you started, we'd be..."
"Engaged?" she finished for him.
He caught her dark expression and slowly nodded, "A hell of a lot more than
that, if I recall my 'lessons' in Betazoid philosophy very well."
Deanna regarded him speculatively for several eternal seconds. "I think
your teacher would be very proud of your progress in that area," she said
at last.
"I hope so," he replied. "As I recall, I wasn't always the
most... accommodating... student."
"No," she almost smiled, "but as I recall, you made up for
that in other ways..."
"Deanna," Riker rolled onto his knees and took her hand, "if what
you're saying right now is what I'm starting to think... and starting to hope...
it is, then you should know you don't have to prove anything to me tonight. I'll
still be here tomorrow, and next week, and the month after that. We can talk
about this any time--" he gestured loosely, then lifted them both to their
feet.
Reclaiming her hand, Deanna sighed. "That's all we do," she frowned,
"we talk."
"I thought Betazoids liked talking..."
"To a point." Her wide black eyes looked up at him in
challenge.
He smiled, "there is a difference, isn't there?"
"Will, ever since he came on board I've started realizing--little
things," she confessed, "this afternoon, after Beverly and I finished
our callisthenics, he came to the gym to see me."
"That was before we spoke, right?"
"Yes," Deanna bowed her head; "so much of how he is right now
reminds me of all those years ago on Betazed... I kissed him."
Riker slowly nodded.
"But when he kissed me back, Will, the most--peculiar thing began to happen
in my mind."
"Peculiar?"
"I started thinking of you," her smile was weak, "I kept
remembering all the moments when we'd been alone together, here on board the
Enterprise, and I wondered if this is what it would have been like, to kiss you
again," she blushed deeply. "If you and I had broken our promise to
one another. If we'd been intimate again. That's when I realized, if I could
fall in love with a memory so easily, then I'd been deluding myself all along.
Imagining I wasn't still in love," she lifted her eyes, "with
you."
Riker pulled a hand back through his hair. "Wow," he turned away
briefly, then back again, "Deanna, I--"
"I know you feel the same way, Will, I feel it," she pressed a hand
against her heart. "What I no longer understand is why we're both fighting
it so vehemently."
"Deanna," he stammered, "you're the one who--"
"Yes," she cringed, "and my reasons at the time seemed
irreproachable. Our lives here, our careers--"
"The Captain..." Riker tipped his head.
"Him too," she sighed. "I know that logically, those reasons
still exist. You still love Starfleet more than life. I know the day will come
when you'll accept a promotion and leave," she paused, "Or you
might... not make it back from an away mission..."
"I could say the same to you," he shook his head.
"You could," she agreed, "but no matter what 'invisible barriers'
we place between ourselves, Will, the fact remains..."
"I love you," he interjected quietly, "Deanna I always
have."
"I know. And I love you." Her eyes refilled with tears. "So...
maybe it's all right to be a little frightened, once in a while."
"I meant what I said," He came toward her and gathered her face
between his palms, "I'd rather die than be the reason that you're hurt
again."
"I know that too."
Riker tipped his forehead onto hers. "I want to share with you, Deanna, the
same way you shared with me. I want it more than anything but lets take the
first step together this time, all right? We don't have to decide everything
tonight..."
When she looked up at him, Deanna smiled. "I don't even know if you
can..."
"I'd like to try," he shrugged self-consciously, "Will you tell
me what to do?"
"All right," her hands closed gently on his wrists, "it might
help if you close your eyes."
When Riker did just as she asked, Deanna curled her fingers into his palm.
"Now, clear your thoughts," she said, "You'll need to think of
us, and how you feel. Think very clearly, so the images are real inside your
mind..."
Her words were soft and Riker was reminded of another time, another place when a
serious young psychology student had tried to teach a brash junior lieutenant
about the finer points of Betazoid mysticism. Without a great deal of success.
"Will--" Deanna chided him, putting pressure on his wrist with her
other hand.
"Sorry," he smiled, "I couldn't help that one..."
"Well, try. If you're ever going to do this, you'll have to
concentrate."
"Okay," he drew a cleansing breath.
"That's good," she whispered, "just relax. Let your mind go
free..."
Eternity ensued and Riker frowned when nothing happened. There was something he
could almost touch... beyond his grasp... a feeling he could barely
discern...but the means to grab hold of it and capture the moment eluded his
every attempt. With a frustrated sigh, he finally opened his eyes and saw
Deanna's affectionate smile had returned.
"It was a good first try, Will," she shrugged, "You can't expect
miracles. It may not even be possible for us to--"
With a needful groan he drew her face toward him and his lips descended
passionately on hers. The kiss was ardent and deep, and Deanna responded to it
instantly; lifting her arms around his neck. Returning his feverish caress with
equal fervour.
A moment later, it felt like they were floating. Riker caught his breath against
her lips and pulled her flush with the front of his chest. But it wasn't enough.
Images, like rushing water, cascaded over their consciousness; a waterfall of
painfully intimate sensation. It was Deanna's shared experience, mixed with
something far, far more.
Though he held her in his arms, Riker felt her body melt. His focus brought
forth every feeling; every wistful desire he'd ever had while they were 'nothing
more than friends', and it completed with the sense of elation he felt, holding
her right now.
Deanna sagged along the front of his uniform, but their mouths still joined
together in a desperate, needful pull. The kiss went on forever, until they
clung to one another just to keep from sinking to their knees.
Emerging flushed and breathless, Deanna's hands still clasped the back of
Riker's neck and her eyes fell shut before she quietly exhaled, "wow."
"Is that what this is always like?" he asked.
"Oh gods, I don't know," she leaned heavily against him for support.
"You mean you've never done this before?"
Her laughter tickled the side of his cheek when she replied, "you mean with
my 'other' Imzadi?"
"Point taken," Riker grinned. They stood that way a while, arms wound
around each other, slowly gathering their breath. "I've missed this,"
he spoke after a time, "just holding you and knowing I don't have to let
go."
Deanna hugged him back, "me too. You know what I've been thinking,
though?"
"What's that?"
She leaned forward and whispered softly in his ear. "You only kissed me
this time..."
Riker tipped his head and laughed. "Ms. Troi, you never change."
"Is that so bad?" she smiled.
"No," he looked down at her, amused, "I think I love that
too."
Deanna's eyes were filled with light, but her expression soon turned serious.
"When you told me I don't look at you the way I once did, I think the
reason is... I feel differently about you now."
Riker's frown was very slight. "Different in what sense?"
"Well... when we first met, what we both felt was idealistic. New and
exciting. But over the years, during our friendship, what I came to feel for you
was a great deal more than that. It's grown with us. Matured, I think," she
added thoughtfully. "And so have we."
"I guess that sounds reasonable," Riker nodded, "Deanna, I just
don't want think that you might ever be unhappy. I need you to be sure that this
is what you want. Because it doesn't have to happen now, if you're not. I
promise I'm not going anywhere any time soon, and unlike the last time, this
time I know I can wait for you. Contrary to popular believe, it is
possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship." He smiled at her
raised brow. "I will wait for you, Deanna, if that's what you need
me to do. You only need to ask."
Deanna looked back at him mutely, before she shut her eyes and embraced him once
again. "I know you will. That's why I am sure this time. That's why
I know that I can trust you, and because of that... I don't want to wait
anymore. I want to be with you."
Riker drew his arms around her. "God I've waited six years to hear you say
those words again. Now I guess I have my... 'brother' ...to thank for all
of this, don't I?"
Deanna cringed against his chest. "Speaking of your brother," she
cautioned, "I think you should let me talk with him first. He deserves my
explanation. And the opportunity to be angry. At me... and at you.
He's going to feel as though this is yet another of life's losses he's had to
endure for the sake of his exile."
Riker nodded in reply. "I know, Deanna. And much as I might be frustrated
with this entire situation, I also know it's five times harder on him. I don't
wish him ill. Honestly, I never did. And I would never have stood in your
way if you'd wanted to be with him..."
"I know," she smiled disarmingly, "I think you'd be surprised
though, because I think he knows it too. I only wish that you would talk with
him some more. About your life. About something other than you and
I..."
"I will," Riker blew a breath between his lips, "as soon as this
mission is over, I promise I will."
Though she regarded him silently, Deanna's affirmative acknowledgement
accompanied a visible tilt of her head, "that's all I can ask of you."
"On his behalf?" he teased.
"On both of your behalfs... stubborn, prideful Human men that you
are."
"Ouch, I feel as though I've just been taken down a peg."
Deanna grinned, "I'm sure."
"So... how 'bout this, Ms. Troi," he hooked an arm around her waist
and pulled her gently to his arms, "I have a little time tonight,"
Riker gestured around them, "this is a beautiful program, wouldn't you
agree?"
"I would," she smiled playfully.
"Then how about ... we try out your little 'experiment', Counselor? For the
sake of empirical research, of course."
"Of course," she laughed, but when Riker pressed his lips to hers, she
laid her hands across his chest.
"Feel anything?" he asked when they pulled breathlessly apart.
"Not yet," Deanna shook her head, "lets try again..."
Riker sank with her onto the grass and bore her tenderly backward, "how
about now?" he drew his lips across her heated skin.
"Maybe... something..." Deanna met his kiss with primitive ferocity.
"Taking notes?" he growled, still lavishing the supple contour of her
neck.
"Commander?" Deanna's question rolled from her lips as a warning.
"Yes Counselor?" he bit down gently at the base of her ear.
"Shut up and kiss me," she gasped.
Riker readily complied.
[end]